Man’s mother bullies him over his weight

Dear Amy: OK. Long story short: I’m 47, gay and single. I’ve spent the last eight years living away from my family of origin.

I recently moved back to my home state. My problem is my widowed mother, who’s 77. We haven’t had the best relationship lately because she refuses to recognize boundaries.

The biggest issue is my weight. I’m overweight, and I know it.

Every time I see her she tells me how fat I am, and that I shouldn’t be eating the dessert she made, even though I’ve asked her many times not to comment on my weight.

She’s planning on visiting me soon, and I know the first thing she’ll say to me is how fat I am and how she’s just concerned about my health. If I object, she declares me to be too sensitive.

I get the feeling that she doesn’t really care about my health; she’s just embarrassed to be seen with me. (And really, I’m not obese, or even that fat. I have some belly fat, like many men my age.)

If she disparages my weight when she visits, my inclination is to say, “I’m done” and walk away. Then she’ll blame me for abandoning her. But I’m done with the insults. I can’t put up with her abuse anymore. Do you have any advice for enduring what is likely to be an unpleasant visit?

Dear Not So Fat: It’s quite challenging to declare, “I’m done” and then walk away — when the person you’re walking away from is actually visiting your home. Rethink this reaction during your mother’s visit, but definitely put the possibility of walking away into your reaction basket for another time.

If your mother starts criticizing your body while she’s with you, you should make eye contact and say to her, “Mother, no. This is not open for discussion. I won’t talk about your body and you won’t talk about mine. Do you understand that?”

She will likely sputter, and attempt to explain her reasoning, but you will have said your piece, and you shouldn’t respond further. Just stay silent, keep your body language neutral and simply wait for her to stop.

After that, if your mother doesn’t get the message and you find it so intolerable or bullying that you believe it’s worth severing your relationship with her, you can commence your plan to walk away. I hope it won’t come to that, and that you two figure out how to communicate differently.