Kids take a back seat to grandfather’s needs
Dear Amy: My parents have taken in my 95-year-old grandfather. Money is not a problem, so he could have gone into a nursing home or into assisted living. My grandfather has six other kids, and no one else wanted him to live with them.
I feel as if I have lost my parents until my grandfather passes. I'll invite them to come to their grandchild's "grandparent day" at school, and it's, "No, we can't leave Dad alone," or, "Oh, we can't make it to the twins' birthday party, because we can't leave Dad."
I live almost two hours away, and my grandfather won't go anyplace other than the doctor or church. No other family member is available or trustworthy enough to watch him.
Amy, this could go on for years!
He is difficult to get along with, and he (and my grandmother, who died years ago) didn't take an interest in most of their grandchildren.
Every time I talk to my mother now, it's all about my grandfather. I DON'T CARE!
Short of cutting off ties with my parents, what am I supposed to do?
I expressed all my opposition to this before he moved in. I said that it was a bad idea. I was not listened to.
I do still try to visit them once a month, but it's hard. I work full time and have to do things like take care of my kids' laundry and buy groceries.
I miss my parents, and my kids miss their grandparents!
Dear Want: As much as I would like to answer your letter by saying, "I DON'T CARE!," I won't do that, because I have a shred of compassion toward you. And you should have a shred of compassion toward your parents. It is hard to imagine that these people you are so desperate to spend time with raised such a selfish, self-centered person.
For the next phase of their lives, your folks are going to be wrapped up in this hard thing they are doing. Your mother is going to be at least as concerned about your grandfather as you are about your kids' laundry. So yes, for now her life will be all about him. Deal with it.
You should suck it up, and find ways to support your parents during this challenging time. If you want to see them, take the kids to visit. It would probably be good for your children to witness some multigenerational loving kindness.