Can boss require attendance at monthly happy hour event?

Dear Miss Manners: I’m wondering what is the business etiquette around requiring employees to attend out-of-office events.

My husband is expected to attend a monthly happy hour with the people in his department — all of whom, including the boss, happen to be female. Spouses are never included. I wonder if the boss thinks this is appropriate simply because she holds it during the later afternoon, and because people are generally allowed to leave between 6 and 7 p.m.

In any case, what was once perhaps a “girls’ night out” is no longer such a thing, now that there’s a male in the department. I’ve never met the boss, but I can’t imagine this is proper business etiquette. Am I wrong? If not, how can this possibly be addressed?

Gentle reader: The issue is not that the event takes place outside of the office, but rather the confusion about whether the event is social or professional.

Professional events generally occur during work hours. Social events do not require permission to leave. Professional events are usually gender-neutral. Social events tend not to be.

You are correct that your husband’s boss is not following proper business etiquette. But this confusion is nowadays so common that she may not even realize she is abusing her authority. Rather than confront her with being rude, a safer solution would be for your husband to attend the portion of the event that runs until the close of business, and then excuse himself.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it rude not to get up and unlock/open the door for someone who lives in the house and is returning home?

Gentle reader: It is not impolite to assume that those living in the house can, and will, admit themselves. It is impolite to ignore evidence that they cannot get in, or cannot do so easily or without mishap. Examples include torrential downpours, arms full of groceries or a knock on the door.

As a matter of familial harmony, Miss Manners also cautions against remaining on the couch, visible through the window, while your spouse struggles to find the keys.

Dear Miss Manners: My sister-in-law arranged a memorial service for her father, followed by a less formal “celebration of life.”

I thought I’d allowed plenty of time for the drive, but things went wrong and a trip that should have taken an hour and a half ended up taking a brutal four hours. I was so late that I considered turning back, but decided to power through it and make the best of it. Through sheer luck I was able to find the venue, arriving as guests had begun to leave the event.

I was glad I persevered; my sister-in-law seemed genuinely happy to see me, and the extended family stuck around for another couple of hours of reminiscing. I had no idea there was a problem until a few days later, when my sisterin-law called me in a rage. She was furious that I arrived late and she went on to say terrible things about me and even made cruel remarks about my own departed father.

Obviously I should have left earlier, allowing for the inevitable disasters that can occur on a long drive. When a person, despite their best efforts, finds themselves late for an important occasion such as a wedding or funeral, what is the best way to proceed?

Gentle reader: When outside factors intervene, lateness can be the result. It is natural to feel that the blame should be borne by the elements or entities that caused the delay.

Natural, but, Miss Manners points out, incorrect. Your host’s social contract is with you — not other drivers, an airline or the climate. The best way, and in fact, the only way to proceed is to accept responsibility and apologize.

How emphatic an apology is required will depend on the seriousness of the occasion, the extent of the tardiness and the resultant impact on the event. Being late for the cocktails before dinner will require less groveling than leaving your bride waiting at the altar. Criminal courts differentiate between evidence given for the purpose of determining guilt and that given in mitigation at sentencing.

The cause of your lateness falls into the latter category: It is properly given after the apology, on the understanding that the hostess has less reason to be upset by a flat tire than by someone who never leaves sufficient time. But none of this excuses the subsequent rudeness by the hostess.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners .com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.