Years later writer considers unwanted kiss
Dear Amy: When I was 18, a friend of my father’s, who I knew through a community group, asked to meet me for coffee. After coffee, he put his young daughter in their car and then sat with me in my car for a few minutes, holding my hand and telling me how he had been thinking of me over the last couple years, while he was going through his divorce.
He ended this statement by kissing me.
I fled as soon as I was able to, and never said anything about it to anyone. I believe I initially feared my (single) father would be angry with me, and I would get in trouble. I left for college the next month and received one or two emails/voicemails from this man, which I ignored.
I don’t like that this happened to me, but I wasn’t scarred by it and haven’t really been carrying it around with me for the last 15-plus years.
In light of the current political climate and public discourse, however, I find myself wondering if I should disclose it to my (conservative) father. I’m not sure what I’d expect or want my father’s reaction to be. What do you think? Dear Wondering: I think you are wondering about confronting the wrong person.
You don’t need to convince yourself that you were victimized, and you don’t need to invent a scar where none exists — but you’ve obviously thought about this off and on for 15 years, and it seems that you want to push back — as an adult — the way you couldn’t as a teen. Fleeing the scene, 15 years ago, was the natural, normal and appropriate response. Facing it is the right choice for you now.
Compose an email to this man, and tell him that you resent his behavior toward you when he was an adult and you were a teenager.
Try to prepare yourself for any response from him across a wide spectrum (including no response). He might apologize to you, but he is just as likely to deny the entire episode, shame you or blame you for contacting him now.
After you confront him, then you should talk to your father about it, if you feel the need, or if you think his knowing about this serves the greater good. Knowing this might answer some questions about your behavior — or his friend’s behavior — from that time. Understand that he might also choose to confront this person, and/or end the friendship. He might also choose to continue in the friendship — and you should prepare yourself for that.