How to handle unexpected extra guest at dinnertime

You (and others before) have made it clear how to politely conduct a dinnertable conversation at a party: The rule is to first speak with the person on your left, followed by the person on your right.

But of course, if I speak to “Mr. Left,” and he, too, is speaking with HIS left partner (not me), and so on — how does this work? Likewise, when I speak to “Miss Right,” she must necessarily ignore me if she is speaking with HER “Miss Right.” I find this does not work very well at all, due to so many swiveling Heads, and it’s quite difficult to carry on two different conversations at once!

You are quite right. And the thought of everyone whipping around in the same direction, only to be confronted with the backs of heads, is likely to cause not only silence, but whiplash.

The fault, Miss Manners realizes, is in the laudable modern tendency to remove gender as an automatic factor in the interest of fairness. For example, we etiquetteers now instruct people to hold doors open for one another, not just gentlemen for ladies.

But sometimes that is overzealous. In this case, it should have been specified that the traditional rule is that the hostess turns to the person on her right, and the other ladies at the table do the same.

But what (you may ask) if it is a host who is presiding? And if the guests are not distributed around the table in alternating genders? And what if there are other gender factors involved?

You see the problem. So let us restate the rule:

The person giving the dinner turns right, whereupon alternating guests should do the same. Does that help?

My more mature millennial friends (those of us in our late 20s and early 30s) tend to co-host parties as a group for various celebrations: birthdays, engagements, holidays, etc. Generally, prior to this point in our lives, there was an even split amongst the group for the cost of the event.

However, now that some of us have partnered up, there has been a move to a “couples rate” and a “singles rate” for sharing the costs. For example: $300 for a couple and $175 for singles. But many of our single friends have found the additional cost of hosting the party an unfair “tax” or penalty for not being in a committed relationship.

Is there a difference depending on the event? Say, a holiday party simply for the groups’ common and ancillary friends, versus an engagement party for a sorority sister to whom most of the partners are not close?

It has not often been Miss Manners’ experience to hear “mature” and “millennial” used in proximity (unless by way of contrast). But since you have done so, she will answer by saying that the obvious solution is also the mature one: Stop charging admission to gatherings, and let each host throw his or her own party. It will spread out the expense — roughly — without endangering longstanding friendships over $25.