Dad sings ballad of regret over his parenting

Dear Amy: I am a 71-year-old man, retired and happily married for 44 years.

Do you remember the Harry Chapin song “Cat’s in the Cradle”? That song describes our relationship with our son perfectly.

When I was working, it was go, go, go — lots of travel, building for the future. When I was home, I thought I gave enough of my time to my son and daughter, but looking back — maybe not.

Today, our son is very successful, but, just like me, he is always at work. He and his family live 2,500 miles away. We try to see them at least twice a year. In the interim, the only time we have with them is a once-a-month Skype session with our grandchildren. Our relationship with our daughter and her family, who live within a three-hour drive, is much closer. Any suggestions?

Dear Wayward: Thank you for the reminder of the Harry Chapin ballad, which tells the somewhat heartbreaking story of a too-busy father who raises a son who then adopts his father’s values and is then too busy for his father.

I’d first like to suggest that you be the patient, present and attentive grandfather that your grandchildren deserve to have. Given the extreme distance between your families, this would ideally involve summer visits where the children travel to be with you. Establishing family-centered and low-key rituals with them might lead to more than monthly Skype calls. For now, write letters to both of the children regularly.

In terms of your relationship with your son, it is hard to establish a closer relationship without spending one-on-one time together. Even an annual short holiday or weekend trip with just the two of you would advance your relationship. Ideas include traditional father-son activities like fishing or camping, to taking weekend cooking classes, performing a service project or attending a weekend of TED talks together. Ideally you would choose an activity that has some open-ended and unstructured time, where you two would get to know one another.

I also suggest you send him a sincere letter stating your wishes, along with the lyrics — or a link — to Chapin’s ballad; the idea being that if you had known then what you know now you might have done things differently. Say that you would like to be a different kind of parent, now — and that you hope it isn’t too late.