Kids want to nudge their dad toward divorce

Dear Amy: My sister and I have recently found out that our father has been seeing a woman who is not our mother.

Our parents’ marriage over the last 15 years has not been much of a relationship. They don’t seem to fight, but we observe a total disinterest in each other. Years ago, I remember my mother saying that “we are not a family who divorces.”

We would like to tell our father that we know about his lady friend. We would like to encourage him to pursue a life with someone who has made an obvious improvement in his life. We love our mother, of course, but she does nothing to be a couple with our father anymore. Sadly, couples’ therapy did not help because our mother did not want to change anything. She prefers the company of her friends to him.

How can we convey our feelings to him? Or, should we even try? Is it our place or responsibility to encourage at least one of our parents to be happier?

Dear Sympathetic: Thank you for offering a somewhat refreshing take on a very old story. I appreciate that you, as adult children, can actually see that your parents are individuals who have needs, desires and paths to happiness that extend beyond their singular roles as parents. All the same, aren’t you a shred disappointed that your father has chosen this particular path out of marriage?

You hold a distinctly negative view of your mother’s role in this drama. I don’t know how you can know what happened during their couples counseling, but I take your word for it that she has not demonstrated an interest in maintaining a thriving marriage.

Yes, you should communicate with your father. Meet with him privately and tell him everything you say above. Tell him you are aware of his extramarital relationship, and say that you want him to be happy. Say that you will support whatever choice he and your mother make — and that includes staying together. Be loving and supportive, but don’t involve yourself further.

Understand that your parents have created a life together that might not look ideal to you, but which is a consequence of their choices over the years.

Even though you cast your mother as the villain here, if the marriage breaks up, she will likely require — and probably deserve — some empathy and understanding from her children.