Ill-timed text message leaves grieving friend hurt, confused

Dear Miss Manners: My father died suddenly at the young age of 64. Knowing his preferences, we held a simple wake.

My best friend, who has been in my life for nearly 20 years and thus knows my parents well, was unable to attend because it fell on her first wedding anniversary.

I readily expressed my understanding when she told me this, though I privately thought that if the situation were reversed, I would have attended regardless.

During the wake, she texted me to thank me for allowing her to hold her wedding at my home the previous year. I found the message egocentric and inappropriate, and I was hurt that she didn’t bother to acknowledge my family or our pain.

When I later expressed this to her, her response was that she shouldn’t have to put her life on hold because I suffered a loss and that her intent was to honor me for my contribution to the beginning of her marriage.

What does etiquette dictate about communicating with individuals who are actively grieving? Am I wrong to feel that our loss should have been front and center for someone so close to us who obviously knew about the event?

Gentle reader: Your best friend was honoring you by trying to distract you during your father’s funeral, in order to dwell on her wedding?

Miss Manners sympathizes with you on your two losses, because surely you cannot consider that the act of a friend.

Dear Miss Manners: I asked a colleague and friend of my partner’s, whom I had contact with on numerous occasions, if we could possibly stay at their private club/hotel. I did not clear the “ask” with my partner. They had offered it several years back, and it was a lovely stay.

We hadn’t seen them in a year or so, but I reached out to ask if we could stay again with another couple for a very special occasion. Mind you, we pay the same as a hotel.

They responded no, they weren’t comfortable with it. I’m mortified with myself. I apologized at once and thanked them. Why do I feel humiliated? And frankly, I feel terrible for putting this person in clearly what turned out to be an uncomfortable place. And for not asking my partner first. I had been the one to interface last time, so why did I think it would be OK?

Gentle reader: Well, why did you? You have only a distant connection with these people and no justification for thinking that they should make their club available to you. You have done the right thing in apologizing, so it is time to appreciate the lesson and move past it.

Dear Miss Manners: I am going to be married soon to a wonderful man. We are planning a small ceremony, as his family’s church has limited seating. We are having a larger reception, with about twice as many guests as the ceremony.

We did not register for presents. We are simply looking forward to a lovely day with our family and friends.

My fiance’s cousin asked us what we wanted for our wedding, and we told him, truthfully, the honor of his presence was enough. He then proceeded to tell us that he was going to get us something anyway and signed us up for two wedding registries.

I am at a loss about what to do. I think registries are in poor taste, and we really don’t need any more things. What should we say to this well-meaning, but slightly misguided, cousin? So far, I haven’t done anything with the registries, but he has checked in a few times to see if we have added anything.

Gentle reader: Tempting as it is to simply ignore the unwanted registries, Miss Manners fears that if your cousin is energetic enough to check if you are using them, he may also be energetic enough to tell other guests about their existence.

Were he to do so, he would not only be ignoring your wishes, himself, but he would also be soliciting gifts in your name — and thereby making you a party to his rudeness.

To prevent this, Miss Manners recommends contacting the stores directly to take down the registries and following this up with a note to your cousin telling him what you have done and reiterating how serious you are about not asking for presents. As an angry tone is likely to engender an angry response, assert instead that you feel strongly about it — and if he cares about you he will honor your wishes, no matter how silly they may seem.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners .com, or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.