ASK AMY Family wrestles with racist label

Dear Amy: Last summer, my 10-year-old son learned a racial epithet (the Nword) from listening to music and watching basketball videos. When we discovered that he had been listening to music with that word, we asked him to find clean versions. Although he is 10, he has the social maturity of a younger child.

Our son was confused (and still is) about the fact that it’s a bad word when he says it but a cool, fun word when others do (in videos, music, on the basketball court, on the street). He said the word in school and hurt a classmate’s feelings. He felt terrible, apologized for the offense, and the two became very good friends for the rest of the school year.

The entire town found out about it and painted him (and us) as racists. My husband and I are steadfast liberals raising our children to treat everyone with respect and dignity. I’ve raised my boys reading multicultural books and have exposed them to multicultural events. He’s a child and he made a mistake. He was forgiven by the other child, and he has learned from his mistake.

A year later, he’s being called a racist in school and in our community. Advice? — Upset Family

Dear Family: Your son seems to have learned from his mistake. Let’s ponder yours. You should not tell a child with “limited social understanding” to “find clean versions” of songs with lyrics featuring racial epithets. Your job is to teach and to lead, not to instruct your child to lead himself.

He gathered from watching various (obviously inappropriate) media at home that saying the N-word was cool. As parents, you know that it is NOT cool. Once you became aware of this happening, your job was to educate, explain and teach him to empathize. Does your son walk around school using curse words that he has likely heard at home or through media? I gather not. That’s because he has absorbed the concept that some words are “adult” or “hurtful.”

I suggest you stop anchoring to your own victimhood. Your child seems to have done a good job of admitting, apologizing and moving on. You haven’t admitted, apologized or moved on. Where did he learn this? In your house!

Self-identifying as “steadfast liberals” doesn’t mean anything. You are going to have to try harder. In addition to reading multicultural books and attending multicultural events, how about trying to get to know some fleshand-blood “multicultural” people who might be willing to sit with you in order to explain how they experience the world?

Dear Amy: Many years ago, my (late) wife and I adopted and raised our nephew. I just returned from my 50-year high school reunion. While there, I learned that my nephew’s biological father may still be alive.

Over the years many signs led us to presume he was deceased. One of my old classmates said he spotted the man on local TV, when the station was doing a report on homelessness. So far, I’m the only one in my family who knows this. I have one sibling who still lives in the same city where he was presumably spotted.

Do I pass this information on to them, so that they can look into it? Do I tell my sister, who is my adopted son’s biological mother? Do I tell my son? Or do I tell no one and keep my own counsel on this delicate matter? — Flummoxed Father

Dear Flummoxed: You should not keep this to yourself. You should disclose this to your son and work with him to try to locate his biological father, if he wants. Give him time to think about this, encourage him to talk about it and support his choices.

I disagree that this is a delicate matter. Nor should it be treated like a shameful secret. This is life, and this is how things sometimes turn out. You should do your best to be honest, truthful and transparent.

Dear Amy: “Not Sure” detailed a college roommate dilemma. Two of the three roommates seemed polite. The other, “K” was a jerk. Amy, I agreed with your response until you suggested that “K” might be better off joining a fraternity. That’s not fair. — Upset

Dear Upset: Some readers have accused me of having an “anti-frat” bias. I cop to that. I also have an anti-jerk bias.