Helicopter parenting isn’t all bad
of the night. The other stuff deserves at least as much of our time and care.”
2. They’re listening, so talk to them.
“Talk out loud about things you wouldn’t normally talk about out loud: ‘I’ve got this big thing at work in a month and I’m thinking I better start on the first part of it tonight.’ That can model time management,” Heffernan said. “Give voice to the things that are on your mind because they can’t read our minds.
“It feels a little stupid, but it’s the same thing we did in the grocery store when they were little: ‘Mommy’s buying grapes! You see the grapes? These are grapes!’ It’s the same kind of teaching on a much more sophisticated level.”
3. Pretend they’re not yours.
“Sometimes when you’re trying to decide how much help to offer your kid, it can be useful to pretend, briefly, that they’re not your kid,” Harrington said. “It takes your own ego out of the equation and helps you decide whether you’re helping for the child’s sake or your own.
“If I had a neighbor with a teenager who was interested in the industry I work in, or a niece or nephew who wanted to learn more about my industry, I’d be thrilled to help them make connections, maybe see if they could shadow someone at work for a while. Certainly you should do that for your own child.
“Now, if your niece said, ‘I’m having a hard time with this English professor in college,’ you would not call that professor for her. Likewise, you should not call your kid’s English professor.”
4. Don’t look for age
“We get in that mindset, ‘By six months they should be sitting up; by one year they should be walking,’ ” Heffernan said. “There is no, ‘By 15 they should be able to X; by 17 they should be able to X.’ Instead, you need to be looking for forward progress. In whatever they’re capable of now, six months from now, are they more capable?’ ”
5. Life is like a car.
“Hold in your mind the metaphor of driving and keep yourself in the passenger seat,” Heffernan said. “When you’re in the passenger seat, you advise. When you’re in the passenger seat, you only grab the wheel when you think your kid is about to harm somebody or themselves. You don’t grab the wheel because you’d rather they drive in the slow lane than the fast lane.
“Ask yourself, ‘Am I teaching an adulting skill? Am I imparting something that will allow them to be an adult?’ When we’re in a teaching role, we’re in the right role.”
6. If we’re lucky, the road is long.
“Our relationship with our young adults will last longer than our relationship with our adolescents and little kids, God willing,” Harrington said. “My mother’s 92. My relationship with her as a young adult and adult has lasted many more decades than when I was a kid.
“We’ve gone to being friends and confidants, and I’ve asked her for advice rather than her telling me what to do. We want our young adults looking to us for advice and support and companionship.”