Worried about social media, sexting

Dear Amy: My husband and I are a same-sex couple. We have been together for six years (married for the past year). During this time, I have battled with an embarrassing addiction — to social media and sexting.

Over the course of our time together I was caught on three occasions — two prior to being married and the third time just three weeks ago. In the past when this happened, we were able to take some time apart and work things out. This time is different.

He found out about my online contact but didn’t tell me until I received a text message from him a week later. He asked me to move out (which I did), but he wants no contact, unless it’s to talk about the dogs or me moving the rest of my stuff out of the home. He refuses to talk about our relationship.

I understand that this is my fault, but he also carries some blame. He would be in bed by 9 p.m. most nights and due to medication had very little sex drive. This made me feel lonely and sad and I would turn to online chats to fill the emptiness.

I am getting counseling and have made a number of changes to deal with my addiction, but I still love him and want to work on the relationship. I am willing to do whatever it takes to finally deal with my issues (which I should have done years ago), but it’s hard without my husband behind me, or at least acknowledging that I’m trying. How can I get through to him?

You choose to label your behavior as an addiction. I see it more as a choice. Your relationship wasn’t as fulfilling as you wanted, and so you went looking elsewhere. Labeling this choice as an addiction, versus a compulsion triggered by a lack of attention, suspends your personal responsibility. The sooner you take responsibility, the sooner you will gain insight, control, and the motivation and ability to make real and lasting change.

You seem to be trying to manipulate your ex back into a relationship. He is not ready or willing to deal with you right now. He deserves the time and space to make his own choices, just as you have done. Don’t crowd him. The most loving thing you can do for him is to respect his need for space.

I hope you understand that you have violated his trust, repeatedly. The only way to gain it back is for you to change, and then to prove that you’ve changed. Even then, it might be too late for your relationship, but it won’t be too late for you.

Dear Amy: Over the past six months, I have been struggling with a dilemma.

After getting my DNA results, I have found a younger relative who was put up for adoption. He is a lovely young man, and we have corresponded.

After some detective work, I have narrowed down which of my cousins fathered this child. I am not close to this cousin (in his late 60s) or his mother (90s), who is still alive.

My question is, do I give this information to the biological father? He married late in life and his wife passed away a few years ago. He does not have (other) children. He is estranged from many family members and I think he struggles with depression.

The son has had a very good life, says he is happy and lucky, and that he does not want to start any drama. Quite honestly, he is delightful. I am not close with my cousin, since I moved away 50 years ago.

If I contact him, how do I do it? Phone call, email, letter?

Dear Torn: If your younger relative is interested in contacting his biological father, you could start the process by contacting your cousin and sharing the younger man’s contact information. Write a short email and be transparent, neutral and nonjudgmental about the entire transaction. Ask your cousin to reply so you know he received the email, and then leave the rest to him.

Dear Amy: The letter from “Crystalized” made me crazy. Here is a person who set a table using crystal that cost $200 per glass! How extravagant and wasteful is that? I was glad you called her out on her own rudeness.

Dear Disgusted: People have the right to be extravagant. Their extravagance should be accompanied by magnanimity, however.