Legislator’s remarks provide boys a lesson
that they feel uncomfortable and embarrassed when they hear their friends or peers degrading girls and women. She said a student- athlete approached her during her book signing at New Trier High School recently and asked her advice on speaking up when his teammates — with whom he needs to maintain a tight, cohesive, cooperative unit — say things that make his stomach churn.
Often, she said, boys feel utterly alone — in being bothered by degrading comments and in figuring out what to say in the moment. Parents, coaches and other grown-ups can help them feel less so.
“They need, of course, to understand the impact of those statements,” Orenstein said. “That it’s not just talk. That talk has an impact. But they also need to understand how the culture of silence that boys find themselves in supports and perpetuates the environment in which men make those comments. And you can help them think about ways they can interrupt those comments.”
Ask the boys in your life if they hear comments about girls and women that feel degrading and disrespectful. Ask them whether they want to brainstorm some responses to have handy if and when those comments do come up. Ask them if they worry about being stigmatized or targeted if they speak up.
“It gives them a sense of support,” Orenstein said, “and it also might open up a conversation where they say, ‘This has been happening and my coach does it too.’ Or, ‘We’ve been working on this on my team and it’s really helping.’ ”
You don’t know where they stand unless you ask. And they don’t know where you stand unless you tell.
I hate that Donahue was treated like a punchline and a plaything. I love that she found the courage to write about it. And now the rest of us get to make sure her story doesn’t just sit there in vain.
It’s on all of us to create a culture where a comment like Lucido’s would be met with stunned silence — or derision — not laughter. That’s the only way that sort of dinosaur thinking becomes extinct.