Childhood should not be a high-stakes game
For many of us, being a good parent has been defined in certain terms: teach our kids the value of hard work, get them ready for an elite school and watch them succeed beyond our expectations. Unfortunately this is not reality but a myth of success. A myth that has serious consequences as our children get ready for another year at school.
To chase the myth of success, families face a gantlet of demands and never-ending races where their worth is measured by the outcomes. This leads many of us to hours of tutors or weekends filled with travel sports.
This is done under the guise of helping our kids succeed, but does it really? I don’t think so. Instead, I believe it is doing more damage than good. In this world, sports is no longer about camaraderie and exercise but about getting a Division I full scholarship. In our effort to keep up, somehow we have defined success in terms of Parents’ Return on Investment (ROI). Activities are only worthwhile if, like a stock, they yield great returns.
As parents, this is when we need to take a deep breath and remember that the myth of success is flawed. Let me explain; childhood should not be a high-stakes game and the playing field is not equal. Kids have different skills and interests, they grow and mature at different ages. Much of what happens before college can be attributed to a combination of luck and genes.
The reality is that early growers are going to have a huge advantage in sports. More mature kids are likely to do much better in the classroom. Unfortunately, your son or daughter has little to no control over either of these factors. Nor do they matter; being the best at anything at 12 or 15 years old most likely does not matter.
Let’s replace this myth with a new mantra. Let’s give our kids back their adolescences to explore ideas, grow passions and mess up. Let’s worry less about where they attend college or how they do on tomorrow’s algebra test. Let’s redefine success over a longer period of time with different outcomes. Let’s focus on raising a young person who’s found a path that can lead to self-sustainability and happiness as an adult.
Under this new mantra, as parents we
must play a different role. We must take time to really assess our children’s strengths and weaknesses to help them create a plan for long term success. For example, your child might love fixing things but not be particularly passionate about school. In this example, you may want to explore options with your child about a trade. Research qualifications, salaries and job duties. Encourage your child to do an internship.
Likewise, if you have a student who’s extremely passionate about school, don’t make it about attending an Ivy League college. Make it about creating the life they want, driven by purpose, passion and happiness. Explore options together and have conversations about how those options might impact their future lives.
While it often feels like it, this is not a sprint. There is no destination and no mistakes are fatal. Each and every one of our children is unique and on their own personal journey, a journey that requires our love and support. This year, let’s try and make things a little less high-stakes and a little more fun. Let’s take time to celebrate our kids for their individuality and help them to be the best versions of themselves.