Be honest about mom’s health — but not too honest
Dear Miss Manners: While my mom is terminally ill and under home hospice care, my siblings and I have been having trouble coming up with appropriate responses to conventional inquiries.
Close friends know what is going on. We assume that a casual “How are you?” from a colleague or acquaintance is not an invitation to open the subject, so we have been responding with the conventional “fine.”
The problem is with people who were between those categories: those who might have met our mom at some time, or who might casually ask, “How are your folks?”
We don’t want people to be blindsided when she dies. Yet answering “How’s your mom?” with “She’s dying” seems a little harsh, and “She’s under hospice care” seems to give too much information.
Would “She’s gravely ill” be appropriate? We assume that we should then direct the conversation into neutral channels so we don’t overwhelm the questioner.
Gentle reader: You are right, given the situation, not to treat this as the typical, “How are you doing?” Miss Manners does not want you to have to answer questions, six months later, about what you meant when you said your mother was “fine.”
The honest and proper response is, “Thank you for asking. She is not doing well.” Your demeanor — including how quickly you change the subject — will cue the astute listener not to ask the obvious follow-up question. Even the less-than-astute listener will grasp the implications of the follow-up answer: “She’s in hospice care.”
Dear Miss Manners: We received an invitation several months ago to the wedding of a close family friend, which was supposed to take place in the spring. We sent our regrets, as we had a conflict with the wedding date.
Flash forward, and the wedding has been postponed due to social distancing regulations. We’ve learned from family members who originally sent their acceptances that they have received new invitations to a new wedding date later this year. Those who had originally declined, however, have not received invitations to the new date.
I don’t begrudge the bride and groom in the slightest, as this is unfortunate all around. But it did make me wonder: Does etiquette have a guideline for who gets invited to a postponed party? Should all original invitees receive a new invitation, especially those who couldn’t originally attend due to a date conflict? Or should only those who originally accepted be invited the second time around?
Gentle reader: Accepting (or declining) an invitation is not, Miss Manners frequently reminds everyone, a conditional act. “I won’t come unless you uninvite my ex-husband,” “I’ll come if I can bring my own food” and “I can’t come because I have a hair appointment that day” are all improper, if not equally so.
The happy couple are therefore within their rights not to reissue invitations that were previously declined merely because the date, the location and the entree (though not, perhaps, the bridegroom) have changed. This does not, however, inoculate them against the unpleasantness that will follow the discovery of their change of heart, which is why starting from the beginning is often preferable.
Dear Miss Manners: How does one politely leave a Zoom conversation when the host has signed up for unlimited time, and everyone knows you have no place to
go?
Gentle reader: The same way you leave any party that is in full swing long after the expected time. You put on your brightest smile, say to the host, “This was great fun, but I’m afraid I have to leave now. Goodbye, everyone!”
And it is even easier now to make a quick exit, because the “Leave Meeting” button is closer than the door would have been.
Dear Miss Manners: Please tell me how to politely — or at least without frightening anyone — let a car stopped ahead of me know that their brake lights aren’t working.
Gentle reader: Unfortunately, there is not much more you can do than try to align your windows, signal to the driver to roll them down, then shout or point vigorously at the faulty lights.
Miss Manners does not guarantee that this won’t be startling, but it will be infinitely less so than ending up in the car’s rear because you were unaware that it was braking.