Is apologizing enough when misgendering someone?

Dear Miss Manners: Should misgendering be treated the same as using an incorrect name?

If I slipped and used the wrong name while speaking to or about someone, I would apologize and correct myself. If I were to accidentally misgender someone in conversation, is simply acknowledging and correcting the mistake sufficient?

I try very hard to use requested pronouns, but I have occasionally slipped regarding a person I’ve just met (as I have occasionally done with names) and feel terrible. Surely misgendering, which is commonly done as an insult, is a more egregious offense than saying “Anne” when I mean to say “Amy.”

What is the best way to address this unintentional rudeness?

Gentle reader: The emphasis on suiting pronouns to identity has to do with tolerance and acceptance. Therefore, Miss Manners trusts that those who expect these virtues will also practice them.

That means there should be a reasonable acceptance of the nearly universal (with the exception of successful politicians) problem of remembering names correctly, and tolerance for the difficulty, now, of the correct pronouns. It should not be assumed automatically that mistakes are, well, not mistakes but deliberate derogatory judgments.

An apology ought to be enough to establish one’s goodwill when mistaking a name or a pronoun. However, there is a limit. You can’t keep doing it to the same person and expect it not to be considered intentional. This makes it hard on people with bad memories, who will have to develop more extensive and self-abasing apologies.

Dear Miss Manners: We lost everything in a house fire two years ago. We were devastated, as nothing was recoverable. Many people helped with money, blankets, clothing, a GoFundMe page, etc.

Then my husband lost his job in early June, and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Was I supposed to send thank-you notes to all who sent money and provided financial help? Are there some circumstances where a thank-you card can be overlooked? Am I ungrateful?

Gentle reader: Apparently. With all the terrible luck you have had, you are ignoring your good fortune in having people who care enough to help you.

Are you truly not grateful to them? And do you not want to encourage such kindness by telling them how much it meant to you?

Miss Manners can understand that you are focused on the bad things that have happened to you. But it would do you good to look at the kinder side, as well. Expressing thanks is not just a chore to repay a debt, but a reminder of not having to suffer alone.

Dear Miss Manners:

Since the advent of handsfree devices for cellphones, it seems that many people feel the need to multitask or entertain themselves while they accomplish a boring task.

However, cellphones amplify background noise. While driving, one finds oneself subjected to the sounds of running water, whirling blenders, clanging dishes, talking GPS and other sounds. I don’t know how one can be a defensive driver while talking on the phone to someone who cannot see the traffic situation. Not only do these noises make the conversation unpleasant, I find it rude.

Gentle reader: It comes as a relief to Miss Manners to discover that the boring task you refer to is driving, and not the call itself (and as a surprise that your friends have running water and blenders in their cars).

Etiquette objects to overt demonstrations that you are not listening, but cares less whether you are actually paying attention. This allows for driving or looking at your computer (preferably not both at the same time), so long as your computer does not play an audible fanfare when you win at Solitaire.

I started losing my hearing at age 30, and the No. 1 response I get when I say “I have hearing problems” tends to be, “What?”

This “joke” was mildly amusing the first time but has gotten pretty old. My usual response is a sort of exasperated/resigned sigh, and “Oh, wow, I’ve never heard THAT one before!” or a weak smile and a “ha ha.” I’m looking for a response that is polite and pointed, to let the wouldbe comedian know that this joke is old, tiresome and not appreciated.

Dear Miss Manners:

A concerned expression and, “Oh dear. You, too?”

Gentle reader: