Should former boss be told that his gift wasn’t received?

Dear Miss Manners: My boss (owner of the business) is extremely generous and thoughtful. He really enjoys remembering staff birthdays, hiring anniversaries and holidays with generous gifts and bonuses. Usually, these come as emailed gift cards or something delivered to my home. He enjoys doing this personally; it’s not delegated to an assistant.

Last summer, after several years with the business, I resigned from my position to care full time for my ailing parents. The timing was difficult, as our business was heavily impacted by the coronavirus and related staffing issues. I agreed to stay on part time until my replacement started.

My hiring anniversary and my resignation date coincided. In our farewell, my boss said he was sending a gift to me to recognize both.

It has been a few months. Nothing ever arrived.

I realize in the chaos and stress at work, he may have just forgotten, although that’s uncharacteristic for him.

I am worried that he thinks I received something and did not acknowledge it. I am also concerned that he may have spent a significant amount of money on something that was never delivered.

I feel rude asking about it, but also want him to know if something he paid for never arrived. Common sense tells me to let it go, but it occasionally nags at me. Do I have a responsibility to notify him of the unreceived gift? Gentle reader: Your common sense has led you astray.

The concern — and it is a serious one — is not whether your former boss got value for his money, or the reputation of the postal service.

The issue is your own reputation: You do not want him to think that you are rude or that when you left the job, you severed all future relations.

Miss Manners’ fondness for handwritten letters is not merely due to her liking the smell of paper and ink. Gracious correspondence can soothe many a feeling and solve many a problem.

You cannot ask what happened to your gift, but nothing stops you from penning a chatty letter updating him on your life and thanking him for his many kindnesses while in his employ.

If he did send a present, then the absence of any mention in such a long letter will make him wonder if it arrived. If he did not send one, it may perhaps inspire him to do so now.

Dear Miss Manners: I have an involuntary wink and facial palsy due to surgical damage — but I’m lucky to be alive! I often realize, after the fact, that I’ve unintentionally inflicted discomfort on strangers (such as store clerks) to whom I speak and wink.

What can I say to explain and beg forbearance without seeking sympathy?

Gentle reader: “Please forgive me; that was involuntary. My eyes tend to sneeze without me.” Dear Miss Manners: How can I let people know I don’t like being addressed by my first name? Gentle reader: Tell them.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

Dear Amy: I was with my former partner for several years. He traveled often for work.

We had what I thought was a very happy relationship and were both professionally and financially successful. We bought a home together when I was close to completing my master’s degree.

A week after moving in, I discovered he’d been living a double life with another woman (with children). They were planning to take a “family trip” together (including her kids and parents). She knew nothing of me.

I then learned that his affairs had been going on for years with various women, and that he’d also had trysts with strangers. In addition to all this, he possessed tons of “upskirt” photos of various young women who were obviously being photographed surreptitiously.

After this discovery, I immediately left him.

After moving out, I ran a background check and discovered that years ago, he was charged (but not convicted) of molesting a minor “younger than 12.”

In light of what I now know about him, I am extremely concerned.

Should I reach out to the women whose contact information I have and prompt them to look him up and do with the information what they will regarding their own children?

I have been wrestling with this question for nearly a year now. I don’t want to behave as a woman scorned, but I do often think about what harm he could be capable of, and it weighs on my conscience that I’ve remained silent.

— Only In Bad Movies Dear Bad Movies: I wouldn’t describe your situation as “a woman scorned” so much as “a woman not warned.” The minute you learned about your guy’s double life, you packed up and left the relationship. Good for you!

Fully examine your motives. If your sole motive is to spare another woman what you went through or protect her children, then warn her.

Understand that when you attempt to warn another woman about your ex’s behavior, you must not defame him. Report only about what happened to you and the facts you know and urge any woman who has questions to also do a background check.

Your ex will probably portray you as “a woman scorned.” It is likely that he is gaslighting his current partners the way he did you, but your strength now is in not caring what he thinks of you.

Dear Amy: My niece is getting married in two months. It is an indoor wedding. I love her dearly, but do not feel safe attending anything where people will be eating and talking without masks.

What is the right thing to do here? I have many health issues.

— Worried Relative

Dear Worried: People have varied responses to the CDC recommendations during the pandemic, but you have an absolute obligation to guard your own health.

The right thing to do is to decline the invitation if you don’t feel comfortable attending. Send your niece and her fiancé a warmly worded note.

It isn’t necessary for you to lay on too many details regarding why you won’t be able to attend, but wish them well and tell them both that you look forward to seeing them in person as soon as you get the “all clear.”

Dear Amy: “Confused Mom” asked you a question about “polyamory.” Apparently, her son and his wife had taken on an extra “partner” in their marriage and wanted to force this relationship onto the rest of the family.

This is adultery, plain and simple, and your acceptance of it is immoral. — Upset!

Dear Upset!: I don’t view polyamory as adultery, because all parties are consenting to the relationship. “Confused Mom” was seeking a way to understand this, knowing that her relationship with her son hinged on her willingness to accept this unusual relationship triangle.

As parents, I believe we are called upon to find ways to love and accept our children, unless their choices are deliberately harmful. I don’t believe that polyamory is the gateway to happiness, but that same caution would also apply to many conventional marriages.

I’d love to hear from people who grew up in polyamorous households.

Copyright 2021 by Amy Dickinson