LIV vs. PGA at Masters: Loser go home!

Running off at the typewriter … Will somebody please tell these golfers to get with it?

Don’t they know a golden marketing opportunity when they see one?

Don’t they realize that we sports fans absolutely salivate over rivalries?

Instead of poo-pooing the showdown at Augusta National between the PGA Tour ‘’good guys” and the “heels” on the Saudi-funded LIV Tour, why aren’t they going full-bore, old-school pro wrestling heading into the Masters? They should be treating this like Dusty “The American Dream” Rhodes against the Iron Sheik.

OK, so maybe I’m exaggerating just a bit, but you get my point, right?

We love rivalries in sports and we haven’t had a real rivalry in golf since Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson were in their heyday. And now here we have this heated rivalry between two golf tours that absolutely hate each other and all we’re hearing is a bunch of pablum about how this week is about the hoity-toity Mahstuhs and not about LIV vs. PGA.

“Look, it’s a narrative and a storyline, but the Masters and the four major championships sit above all that noise, and that’s the way it should be this week,” says the PGA Tour’s Rory McIlroy, who has been one of LIV’s biggest critics.

Baloney.

I get that the Masters stands on its own merit, but why are the golfers playing down instead of building up the biggest, juiciest, most delicious golf rivalry we’ve had since Bill Murray vs. the gopher in Caddyshack?

About the only golfer who has fueled the feud is old-timer Fred Couples of the PGA Tour, who refused to back down this week from comments he made recently when he referred to LIV’s Mickelson as a “nutbag” and Sergio Garcia as a “clown.”

Way to go, Freddie! That’s the spirit! This clash has everything you could ever want in a rivalry — money, politics, patriotism, lawsuits, etc. And to make it even better, this civil war of golf is being contested right in the heart of the Confederacy as the LIV rebels have seceded from the PGA union to form their own separate tour.

And like all great rivalries, there needs to be something on the line to make it interesting. Because we were talking about the American Dream and the Iron Sheik earlier, how about the two tour commissioners — LIV’s Greg Norman and the PGA Tour’s Jay Monahan — agreeing to a pro wrestling-style “Loser Leave Town” match?

If a PGA Tour golfer wins the Masters, then LIV folds up and goes away.

If a LIV golfer wins the Masters, then the PGA Tour allows the LIV defectors to also play PGA Tour events.

Sound fair? Let’s do it! The Masters may be called, “A Tradition Unlike Any Other,” but don’t kid yourself.

This tradition becomes a lot more intriguing when you add a family feud between two rival golf leagues . ...

Short stuff: I just saw where NASCAR has hauled in 2,300 truckloads of dirt to turn the asphalt track at Bristol Motor Speedway into a dirt track for this weekend’s race. Wow, 2,300 truckloads of dirt? Hey, that’s almost as much dirt as you’ll find in Rick Pitino’s past! … LSU star Angel Reese created quite the controversy by taunting and staring down Iowa star Caitlin Clark at the end of the Tigers’ national-championship victory over the Hawkeyes earlier this week. Somewhere up there in hotdogging heaven, Sean Taylor — the late, great, trashtalking safety of the Miami Hurricanes — was smiling. … By the way, did you see where First Lady Jill Biden invited not just LSU’s national championship team to the White House but also wanted to invite the Iowa women “because they played such a good game.” First Lady, should we give everybody a participation trophy, too? ... I’m not saying LSU women’s basketball coach Kim Mulkey dresses flamboyantly, but she makes golfer Rickie Fowler look like Boxcar Willie ...

Before Jim Nantz broadcast his last Final Four in his hometown of Houston Monday, the city named a street after him — “Hello Friends Boulevard.” In related news, NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper Jr.’s hometown is considering naming a street after him as well — “Tremendous Upside Avenue.” … I don’t know about you, but I love the NBA’s new Collective Bargaining Agreement, which will add an in-season tournament, require star players to play in at least 65 games to win any of the major awards and put another cap on the big-spending teams. Let’s hear it for Adam Silver!!!. … With April being National Poetry Month, I offer you this verse from the great Dylan Thomas: ”Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” Sounds a lot like the Magic’s mantra over the last two weeks of the season when their playoff hopes were all but dead, but they kept battling. The Magic’s playoff chances have now officially died, but hope is alive and well in Orlando. …

Dolphins head coach and former Commanders assistant Mike McDaniel when he found that Washington owner Daniel Snyder has gotten two offers of more than $6 billion to sell the team: “Wow, the organization’s worth that much? And, you know, I couldn’t even get free coffee!”… Headline at TheOnion.com: ‘’NFL Owners Announce Secret Meeting To Make Sure They Aren’t Colluding Against Lamar Jackson.” … Will the last former college athlete to file a class-action suit against the NCAA please turn out the lights in the courtroom? ... Three questions: (1) Who is more responsible for getting Miami to the Final Four — coach Jim Larranaga or NIL moneybags booster John Ruiz? (2) Who is the NBA’s MVP — Philadelphia’s Joel Embiid, Denver’s Nikola Jokic or Milwaukee’s Giannis Antetokounmpo? (3) Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? ... From David Whitley of the Gainesville Sun: “Ken Griffey Jr. hasn’t played for Cincinnati in 15 years, but the Reds will pay him $3.59 million in deferred salary this year. That would make him the third-highest-paid player on the team. In related news, Auburn boosters are paying Cam Newton $2.84 million in deferred payments this year, making him worth more than last year’s entire Auburn roster.” … Did you see where WWE is merging with UFC? Does that mean we’re going to have the WWFFC — World Wide Fake Fighting Championship?

Last word: “Golf is just an adult version of an Easter Egg hunt.”