Mentally ill family member struggles in silence

DEAR AMY » I have struggled with my mental health my entire life.

I’ve been in and out of several psychiatric hospitals over the past few years.

I’ve always been private with my emotions, having been raised in a family that doesn’t talk about feelings. Therefore, my first hospital admission came as a surprise to my parents, though they did visit me often while I was there.

To this day, we still don’t talk about my struggles, nor have my parents asked me directly about why I was there.

I was recently at a (small, distanced) family gathering with my parents and an aunt. Somehow, the conversation turned to my grandfather’s service in WWII.

In what was framed as a funny anecdote, my parents and aunt repeatedly talked about my grandfather’s time guarding the “loony bin.”

I was very taken aback by this phrase and the laughter that accompanied it. I was too surprised to react in the moment.

Several weeks later, I’m still supremely hurt by this conversation.

The derogatory comments toward the people in the hospital felt like a dagger to my heart.

I don’t know where to go from here. I haven’t had any contact with any of them since that day.

— I’m No “Loony”

DEAR NO “LOONY” » When people make a deeply insensitive remark — or a slur — the appropriate response is to react honestly to it, either in the moment or later on, once you’ve caught your breath.

Retreating into an angry silence may be the norm in your family, but it is not useful. Changing this one thing about how you respond to things that hurt you might be good for you, and would definitely be useful to them.

Their terminology and attitude toward people with mental illness is both unfortunate and obsolete. Your family members were repeating slurs and stories from 70 years ago, using language that was commonly used at that time.

If you are able, reach out and tell them something along these lines: “I had never heard those stories from Grandpa’s service in WWII before. Honestly, though, calling a hospital a ‘ loony bin’ is a terrible thing to say. I was shocked when I heard people using that term. People who have mental illness are not ‘ loony’, and they don’t spend time in a ‘ bin,’ any more than people who have cancer do. I feel it is important to let you know that.”

My suggested script does not refer to your own experience in hospitals, which I sense hews to your family’s style.

Being more open about your own illness could be a gamechanger for you. I hope you will talk to your therapist about ways to connect more deeply with your family. Your advocacy is a positive step in that direction.

DEAR AMY » “Concerned” asked you if he was an alcoholic.

Two scotch and waters and two glasses of wine at night do NOT an alcoholic make.

— Social Drinker