All I want for Christmas is the power to ZAP
Well, I’m pretty sure that by the time January 20 rolls around Joe Biden will be inaugurated as the 52nd president, not the 46th, as he’s now won so many times in so many recounts.
But POTUS and his lemmings don’t think it’s over yet. Nope, I hear they are preparing further challenges to bring before The People’s Court, The Night Court, The Basketball Court, The Tennis Court, The Squash Court and The Food Court. The last one comes with an Orange Julius and an Auntie Anne’s soft pretzel.
Speaking of going to court, my darling daughter says if I do get the only thing I put on my Christmas list this year, I’ll end up in court. But I argue it’s the perfect gift, especially for me.
BC19 (Before Covid-19) I was able to generally keep folks out of my personal space by surreptitiously poking them with my knitting needles. A little poke here, a little poke there and voila! As Arlo sang in Alice’s Restaurant Massacre, “they all moved away from me on the bench” or wherever I happened to be.
The thing is now with C19 by the time people get close enough to sneakily poke they are waaaaay too close. I did consider a cattle prod but it’s pretty tough to conceal one in my knitting bag. So, for 10 months now I’ve just backed away. This has, on occasion, left me standing in the middle of the street blocking traffic. Not a good thing.
The knitting needles are not long enough and a cattle prod is too long so I was jazzed as all get out when I discovered The Social Distance Zapper, a pocket-sized electric human prod!
When this little sucker is extended to its full 6-foot length it can be used to deliver a (what must be truly satisfying) 4.5 volt jolt of “get out of my space” electricity to personal space invaders. Ooooooh yeah! Disrespecting the 6-foot distance rule — ZAP! Not wearing a mask — ZAP! Wearing a mask under your nose — ZAP! Pulling your mask down to sneeze or cough — ZAP! Come in for a hug, handshake, chest/ fist/elbow bump — ZAP! Just generally annoy me — ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! Hoho-ho! Imma really hoping Santa comes through for me with one of these in my stocking. I mean seriously it’s the gift that will keep on giving one little zap at a time long past the end of C19.
Not very Christmasy of me, you say? Well, phoof on you. I am not all grinch, coal chunks and personal zappers. Oh nooooo, I am a firm believer in the magic of Christmas.
The first universal bit of Christmas magic this year will occur on Monday evening, the Winter Solstice, with the great conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn. The event will take place just after sunset and, if skies are clear, should be visible with the naked eye for about 45 minutes looking toward the southwest.
While the conjunction of these two planets happens every 20 years or so, this conjunction will bring them within a tenth of a degree of each other. The last time they were this close was 800 years ago and the next time they come this close will be 2417.
From our vantage point on planet earth, it will look like the two planets have melded into one radiant point of light often called the “Star of Bethlehem.”
Ahh so this may be science, this conjoining of planets to create the illusion of one shining star but in this dreadful year of 2020 having the “Star of Bethlehem” appear feels like a much needed Christmas miracle. It feels like magic and, like Tinker
Bell, I do, I do, I do believe … in Christmas magic most especially the magic of Santa. How could I not? How could anyone not?
As Francis Pharcellus Church, editor of the New York Sun, wrote in reply to 8-year- old Virginia O’Hanlon’s 1897 query, “Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Clause?”
“Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy … You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever.”
So, on December 24 before I go to bed, I will look up into the night sky as I have done nearly my entire life to see if I can spot the Jolly Ole Elf and if I can’t it won’t really matter. I’ll set out a plate of cookies and milk anyway because… I really, really want a one, maybe two, one for each hand, of those Social Distance Zappers. Naughty, naughty me.