Introducing vegetables made entirely of meat

A recent E-R food section article extolling the virtues of fake meat, piqued my creative instincts. Fake meat is a product that purports to imitate meat but is actually created from vegetables. It is apparently popular among persons who prefer fake leather, fake fur and fake news. With such a potentially large market, I propose to produce fake vegetables which are made entirely from meat. Marketed under the name, “Meat Your Match,” offerings will include chicken carrots, pork potatoes, beef bell peppers and lamb lettuce.

I am considering more exotic items as well. Coyote cauliflower, beaver broccoli, tuna turnips, lobster lentils and raccoon radishes. My all meat vegetables will share two important attributes with all vegetable meat in that both will cost far more than, and taste nothing whatsoever similar to, the real imitated items. Imagine the fun of offering the children “mussel sprouts” or “dandy lion greens.” Horseradish made from real horses. Tomatoes (toma-toes) and potatoes (potatoes) made from actual toes. And fruits will be included in the offerings as well. Chipmunk cherries, badger bananas, orangutan oranges and pelican plums.

A full line up of berries or “bearies” as they will be known. Straw-bearies, blue-bearies, etc. How neat it will be serving your friends “black-bearies” made from genuine black bears. Meat Your Match means no more fighting with the kids to finish their vegetables. So watch for them and remember. When you’re tired of reality at the dinner table, fake it. With Meat Your Match foods.

— David White, Oroville