Woman should leave abusive relationship

DEAR AMY » I am in a relationship with a man my age. We share many interests and values. The problem, I believe, is his lack of respect for me.

I want to be communicated with in a way that shows love and kindness.

He says he respects me, but his behavior does not demonstrate it. He yells, is critical, and is very impatient with me.

I’m confused. He says he wants to be in this relationship (we’ve lived together for over a year), but acts poorly, and while I am not perfect and do often yell back (and feel terrible about it), I also believe I am protecting myself, albeit not in the best way.

If you know anything about battered wife syndrome, do you think that I have it?

Is it me, or is he an abuser?

— Oregon Woman

DEAR OREGON » Battered wife syndrome is classified as a serious condition triggered by psychological and/or physical intimate partner violence.

Based on what you say, you are in an unfulfilling and chronically upsetting intimate relationship with someone who treats you badly and who — according to you — compels you to defend/retaliate, followed by periods of you feeling “terrible” about your own behavior.

The way I see it, part of the time you are being treated badly, and part of the time you are treating yourself badly.

That’s a lot. It is also a symptom of abuse.

You’ve asked for an objective opinion about who is at fault.

You don’t cause your boyfriend’s behavior. His behavior is his responsibility.

You also can’t change his behavior. He can, and if he wanted to (or felt it was in his best interest to change), he would!

In my opinion, neither of you seems to love you enough.

You can’t force him to love you more or to love you differently.

You can love and respect yourself more — and one way to do that would be to exit from this unhealthy cycle and unhappy household.

It might help if you asked yourself: “At the end of my life, would I feel proud of and fulfilled by this particular relationship?”

DEAR AMY » You claimed recently that your answers, especially regarding COVID vaccinations, are not “political.”

I call BS on that. Your leftist leanings are completely obvious.

— I See Thru U

DEAR SEE THRU » Getting a vaccination during a pandemic seems less a political statement than simple common sense.

I am so grateful to have been vaccinated as a child against dangerous diseases; doing so now is a no-brainer.