Adults want to gently nudge niece into world

DEAR AMY » At the beginning of the pandemic, my husband and I took in a niece of ours who had been living with other family members after having some mental health problems and leaving college.

Life with her parents is, in my opinion, the cause of much of her mental health problems.

In short, she can’t go home.

However, my spouse and I are looking forward to an empty nest (our youngest is in his senior year at out-of-state university), and we need to find the best way to gently nudge her out into the great big world on her own.

She has a job but has not done much to continue with her college education. We discussed it initially and she took two classes, but hasn’t taken any others.

She was able to make enough money to buy her own car because we aren’t asking for rent, so she could take herself anywhere.

I think it would be better if she lived somewhere closer to home so she could visit if she wants.

Right now, she is 2,500 miles from home, and I can tell she misses her mother and her siblings, who are still there.

Tough love will not be good for this young lady since she is not healthy enough mentally to be given ultimatums or deadlines.

We talk about it often and can’t come up with a plan on our own. We’d appreciate your recommendations. — Almost Empty-Nester

DEAR ALMOST

» You should involve your niece in discussing plans, without applying too much pressure. “The great big world” might be a little too big for her. If she likes her job, she might prefer to stay close by, but the ultimate goal would be for her to live more independently, outside of your immediate household.

College is not for every young person. It sounds as if she has made progress in the time she has been with you, and the stability of your household has given her time to mature.

Ask her how things are going for her, overall. Does she like her job? Is she making friends? Help her to see the very real ways that she is making progress.

If she is not currently seeing a therapist, you should ask if she would like your help in finding one. Now that her life is more stable, therapy would help her to stay on track.

A licensed social worker (LSW) can coach her to develop reasonable and defined goals and check her progress.

DEAR AMY » Responding to “Wondering,” the older woman moving in with her much younger boyfriend, I’d say that any 35-year-old man who wants to move in with a 52-year-old woman is definitely looking for a “mommy figure.”