Get to gardening because winter is coming

I started gardening and crafting years ago. I thought it would be relaxing. People said it would be. They were wrong.

After years of doing both and looking things up on the net, I now get gardening emails by the bushel and crafting emails by the skein.

Starting last month, September, the emails doubled in quantity. Just reading the subject lines caused me to break out in a cold sweat as they gave me a list as long as both my arms of things that I should do now because, well, it’s time! The clock is ticking, Missy! The days are getting shorter, Mildred! Winter is coming, Sansa!

The subject lines shout things at me like “Everything you should do in garden this month,” which included pulling out summer vegetable plants, amending the soil and planning for rotating crops. Then there was the “Get you garden winter ready” email which was a lot like the “everything you should do” email except it also included construction of temporary mini-greenhouses. The “All the vegetables you should plant now” sent me into a hoeing and digging frenzy to get the carrots, beets, radishes, peas, lettuce, kale, spinach, chard, broccoli and cabbage planted. I completely ignored the “10 clever ways to use plastic nursery pots” because I was too busy with the chores in “Prepare annuals now for successful over wintering.” I had barely accomplished these tasks when … “It’s garlic & onion planting time — now!”

The urgency of these emails elevates my heart rate, forces me to go to two page lists of daily todos and generally adds several hours of work to already overfull days but, hey!, gardening is sooooo relaxing. I tell myself this as the sweat drips from my forehead onto my glasses, the bugs bite my ankles and the contact dermatitis from the various plants have me slathering on the Benadryl cream like most folks use sun screen.

While everyone else it seems is celebrating the onset of everything pumpkin spice and cooler temperatures and golden afternoon sun, I’m bustin’ butt with all the harvest food processing — pickling the last of the peppers, cucumbers and green tomatoes. It’s also apple and pear time so there’s butter making, saucing and drying to get done. Not to mention it’s green olive harvest and curing time and “finishing” time for “What’s For” and “Dinner” in preparation for their harvest (a.k.a. butchering) which also means it’s clean out the freezers’ time. Winter is coming, Cersei! Get it together.

I have to wonder about people who have to get ready for bed, heck with a gardening schedule like this I’m perpetually ready for bed. Speaking of beds, apparently fall is also the time to build new raised beds for the garden and fix up, repair and replenish existing beds. So, I’ll just add that to the list because I’m already late in starting my holiday crafting projects according to the emails and … winter is coming, Arya.

The crafting emails encourage me to do things like poke holes in coffee cans for “insanely cool decorations the whole family will love” or “dip pine cones in white paint for an unexpected décor idea.” This one baffled me. So, if I randomly start dunking pine cones in white paint, I’m going to come up with beautiful décor ideas of my own? I think what I’d actually end up with is a bunch of pines cones covered in white paint. This same email also suggested I could “stand a pine cone in a jar for this wild window idea.” Yeah, I think I’ll pass. I have enough wild in my life without my windows going all Tiger King on me thank you very much. Pine cones seem to be the crafting material of 2021 as another email suggested I shove a bunch of them into sandwich bags. This apparently is the first step in making your own cinnamon pine cones a must for every home because winter is coming, Daenerys.

Another crafting email suggested I hammer a nail into a rolling pin and hang it outside to create a “porch décor so lovely it will increase your home’s curb appeal.” I skipped right over that one too as I don’t have a curb.

Another must do fall craft email suggested I “soak toilet paper in glue (genius!)” yeah if you want to permanently stick your cheeks together because winter is coming Brienne of Tarth and who needs a draft blowing up there I ask you?

There have also been assorted crafting emails with erudite chicken wire hacks, soak your silver in milk, use muffin tins for cabinet doors, wreath making, more wreath making, even more wreath making and better than a wreath making. The most recent strongly suggested (by use of multiple exclamation points) that hanging old scarves on the front was the new thing this season for the ultimate outdoor fall décor but I’m pretty sure it’s more to keep the White Walkers away because, after all, winter is coming Catelyn.

At this point what with all the garden must-dos and the crafting how-tos, I won’t really be able to relax until winter is actually here.