Sleepless in Oroville

Sleep is a fabulous thing or so I hear. Personally, I haven’t been able to get any.

I used to be so good at sleep that I could do it with my eyes closed. Not so much anymore though. Now when I close my eyes nothing much happens let alone sleep so if my future depends on my dreams, I’m in deep trouble as I haven’t slept long enough to have a dream in weeks.

I have tried melatonin — no effect. I removed the clock from beside my bed because they say looking at the clock when you can’t sleep makes it worse — no effect. I have tried half a dozen different herbal sleep teas — no effect except I did have to keep getting out of bed to go to the bathroom.

Several people suggested I go camping so my sleep cycle would “reset” to the natural rhythms of day and night. Not only is that impractical for someone who, you know, has to work for a living but my idea of camping is a hotel without room service. Yeah, I’m not a happy camper.

Another suggestion I got was to challenge myself to stay awake. The theory behind this is when you try not to think of something, like sleep, that’s all your brain can think of. This bit of reverse psychology did nothing more than have me spend eight hours thinking about what I couldn’t get — sleep. I guess I “won” that challenge.

I’ve tried 15 minutes of deep slow breathing in and out of my left nostril; telling myself a story; reading a book in bed; and taking a mental vacation. The first three did nothing and with the fourth you’re supposed to visualize yourself in your happy place. My happy place is in bed asleep. Back to square one.

I’ve darkened my room, set my bed up to be the most comfortable place on the planet and even use a weighted blanket. No effect.

Try doing a headstand, someone suggested. A headstand circulates refreshed blood to the master glands in our brain — hypothalamus and pituitary, which control all the other glands in our body. It also cleanses and detoxifies the adrenal glands, making us think positive thoughts and warding off depressive thoughts. As your worries and anxieties fade away, you’ll naturally doze off into a restful slumber, they said.

I’m 62 years young and I’ve never done a headstand in my life but I was willing to try anything. The net result wasn’t a handstand. It was more like a body dump on the floor which I had to follow with an emergency visit to the chiropractor.

I’ve taken a warm shower. I’ve doused my face in cold water which is supposed to trigger the “mammalian diver reflex” which makes the blood flow away from the limbs to the vital organs like brain and heart and decreases heart rate and blood pressure. This is conducive sleep, so they say. I say, they lie.

I have also tried these “sure fire” ways to fall asleep: acupressure; squeezing and releasing every muscle in my body repeatedly; creating and repeating a mantra of gratitude; meditating; curling and uncurling my toes, an exercise so monotonous that it’s supposed to make you fall asleep from sheer boredom; listening to white noise; listening to one of those recordings of running water which, again, just made me have to go to the bathroom. I’ve reduced the temperature in our bedroom and foregone pajamas. The net result of this last one was that my beloved husband had to sleep in sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

I have tried everything — increasing my exercise; doubling my daily walk; getting more sun; eating breakfast for dinner; and rolling my eyes which is supposedly similar to the eye movement made when sleeping and therefore is supposed to trigger a natural release of melatonin — no effect.

Bring more meaning into your life, that will help you sleep someone told me. Apparently, they got this bit of wisdom from a study conducted by Northwestern and Rush universities that suggested you can only enjoy uninterrupted sleep when you have a good reason to get out of bed every morning. I thought I did have a meaningful life so all this bit of advice did was make me feel woefully inadequate which kept me awake worrying and …

I remain sleepless in Oroville.