Gooey sandwich stuff — no thanks

During the holiday season many years ago, I was helping my then 5-yearold daughter fill her small backpack with what she called “’sential items” — her favorite toy, a box of raisins (because “Mom you always have to take snacks with you when you go anywhere cause you never know”) and pairs of clean socks and underwear — for an overnight stay at her grandparents’ home. Usually she looked forward to the visits but I noticed on this particular day she lacked her usual enthusiasm.

“Hey angel, is something bothering you?”

A big sigh then, “Mom, you gotta talk to grandma. You gotta tell her to stop putting that white gooey stuff on my sandwiches.” “White gooey stuff?” “Yeah, she smears it all over the bread. It’s not tasty. It’s disgusting.” Her little body actually shuddered at the thought of it.

It took me a minute and then, “You mean mayonnaise?”

“I don’t know what it’s called, but I do not like it.” Another shudder and grimace.

“Why don’t you just tell grandma? Why have you been eating it?”

“I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and it would be rude not eat what she gives me.”

(God bless my child’s good manners. Don’t know where she got them.)

“OK, I’ll talk to grandma.”

“You’re the best, mom. Thanks.”

Now it may seem odd to some that a 5-year-old didn’t know what mayonnaise was but, we just never had it in the house. I detest the stuff, and my husband doesn’t really like it so, Olivia had never experienced the culinary horror of emulsified egg yolks and vegetable oil. My mom, on the other hand, loves the stuff. In fact, she’ll be the first one to admit that it’s only because of the high fat and calorie content that she doesn’t dollop it on everything.

When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make Best Foods Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake for my mom’s birthday. I think the recipe was created somewhere in the late 1950s but it remains a mystery to me as to why it was created in the first place and has left me wondering low these many years, who came up with such a bad idea? No one is confessing to this culinary crime against cake.

When grandma died, one of the things I inherited was her recipe box. In the box, nestled between the recipes for “Helen’s Chocolate Cake” and “Cabby’s Pecan Chocolate Cake” is the mayo cake recipe. It looks like it was clipped from an old magazine and in addition to the usual ingredients like flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder and soda it calls for 1.5 cups of mayo. No eggs, no oil. No thank you.

Fast forward 25 years to this holiday season and I found a new eggnog recipe. And, yup, one of its featured ingredients is mayonnaise, specifically Hellmann’s mayo. As I read the recipe, I literally gaged and thought “what the hell man?” but couldn’t resist shooting a text to my daughter.

“Found a new eggnog recipe that I think I’ll try this year.”

“Really? Cool. Send. I’d like to read.”

So I did and then I waited — one, two, three and: “Have you lost your mind? Have you been drinking? Are you on drugs I don’t know about? MOM! ABSOLUTLEY

NOT!”

Bwahahaha, I couldn’t resist egg(nogging) her on: “Really? I think it sounds interesting.”

“Interesting!?!?!?! It’s a crime! Against rum! Against cognac! Against everything that is holy and sacred about Christmas. Against Jesus! Stop. Just stop, mom.”

So I stopped, but for the mayo lovin’ readers of this column, this recipe may be egg-actly what you’re looking for this holiday season to spread (get it? spread?) the cheer so here it is.

Frozen Mayo-nog Recipe

Serves two.

Ingredients:

• ¼ cup mayonnaise

• 3 ounces whole milk

• 3ounces heavy cream

• 3 ounces simple syrup

• ½ teaspoon nutmeg

• ½ teaspoon vanilla extract

• 1 teaspoon cinnamon

• 1 ½ ounces rum

• 1 ½ ounces apple brandy

• 1 ½ ounces cognac

• 1 cup ice

DIRECTIONS >> Add all ingredients into a blender with ice and blend until smooth. Garnish with a dusting of cinnamon.