Woman meets men who want to spar, not spark
DEAR AMY >> I am a divorced 52-year-old woman who is experiencing a disturbing situation. Men I meet for possible relationships have what I describe as argumentative personalities.
They are never agreeable with any topics that come up in conversation. The topics range from personal decisions to politics to differences between men and women.
These men come across as misogynistic, condescending, critical of everything around them, and yet they see themselves as decent, normal, good guys who know how to treat women. They couldn’t be more wrong.
They often present topics that are inflammatory and then say women can’t handle the conversations because we are too caught up in our feelings.
I don’t entertain these men for long, but I keep having these experiences. Just what has happened to the art of decent conversation?
After talking to these men for a short period of time the focus turns away from seeking companionship to sparring partners.
I don’t understand it and it is very frustrating.
What is this phenomenon? — Missing the Art of Conversation
DEAR MISSING >> At the risk of being accused of misandry, let’s state for the record that men undoubtedly also have a laundry list of gender-based frustrations with the women they are meeting.
If you are having the same sort of experience over and over again, you should take a careful look at whatever (presumably online) venue you are using to meet these men, and see if there are red flags in their profiles that might indicate that they are more interested in sparring than sparking.
During my long-ago journey into online matching, I admit to having experiences similar to yours. It seemed that the people I was meeting were sometimes relitigating their previous relationships. I often felt unduly challenged and tested. Honestly, few of these people seemed actually interested in getting to know me at all.
This might be a function of the speed with which many people approach the matching process. Match, meet, test for compatibility, move on. And the anonymity of social media has transformed some people into conversational jackals.
My take is this: Engaging in a peaceful and informative conversation has always been something of a rarity (yes, it’s an art!). Being with someone who listens with interest, who seems to “see” you, and who can challenge you without raising your hackles — these are qualities you enjoy in your deep and intimate friendships. This is what you’re looking for, and so your best bet might be to move off-line and to join groups and organizations where you can meet and get to know people gradually, IRL (in real life).