Are warning labels the universe's pop ups?
The thing about free will is that it means you can just do any old thing — buy that fabulous but seriously over-priced hat with the feathers, silk flowers and net half veil that you'll never wear because you won't be invited to any royal weddings or coronations or funerals; eat copious quantities of saturated fat; choose the wrong career; lick frozen flag poles; over caffeinate; or a myriad of other questionable things. Heck, you can even go outside and eat dirt if you want to, and the universe just lets you without even so much as a pop up asking, “Are you sure?”
I mean even computers give you second pop-upare-you-sure chances before you make a final decision. You'd think the universe would show the same courtesy but nooooo it just lets you make questionable choices willy nilly and then, suffer the consequences leaving you to exclaim, like my daughter when she was little, “cheese crisis!”
Honestly, free will should come with a warning label like: “Caution! Exercising Free Will won't automatically result in toned thighs but may result in making stupid choices.” Bummer or, again, as my daughter used to say when she was little, “bammit!” Yeah, my thighs could use a cosmic assist that doesn't involve squats or lunges.
I mean we put warning labels on just about everything else but free will. In fact, we're obsessive about it.
Our clothes dryer came with a warning label advising not run it with a person inside. Ya think? And the dishwasher had a large yellow and black notice stuck to it advising not to allow children to play inside of it. I added the post script “unless they are very bad.” My daughter and her friends were not amused.
My husband bought a new drill and the warning label stated it was “not intended for dental work.” Open wide, bwahahahaha.
Irons come with a label that cautions the user not to iron clothes while wearing them. The label on toilet bowl brushes clearly states “do not use for personal hygiene.” I assume this has to do with some people's willingness to go to any length to get to those hard-to-reach spots. Yeow!
The label on an overthe-counter medication for relief of menstrual cramps, bloating, fatigue, backache and headache instructs the user to “consult a doctor before use if you are having difficulty urinating due to an enlarged prostrate.” Yeah, I'm thinking if you are buying this product to alleviate menstrual symptoms and you have a prostate there's other things you should be talking to your doctor about.
Strollers caution you to remove the child before folding the product for storage or transport; hair dryers clearly instruct you not use while you are sleeping; and, vanishing ink fabric pens warn you not use to sign legal documents. I really have no idea how you'd even get a stroller to fold with a child still in it, but I guess someone tried with detrimental results. And, how could you possibly fall asleep with a hair dryer whirring away and blasting hot air at your head? As to the last, well, there are times when funds are low so signing a check with vanishing ink may be the best option.
Stickers on fishing hooks really state the obvious: Warning! Harmful if swallowed.
Baffling to me though are the warning labels on printer cartridges and letter openers. The first tells you not to eat the toner. The second recommends wearing safety goggles while using. Maybe someone got so frustrated trying to fix their printer the only thing they could think to do was eat its parts? And somehow keeping a pair of safety goggles handy when opening the mail strikes me as excessive, but what the heck do I know — my free will once led me to use the tip of a knife as a screw driver. Again, no pop up from the universe and the result was less than successful.
Opening a box of common bar soap once I happened to read the fine print which instructed me to use the product as “regular soap.” How the heck else would I use it? As irregular bar soap? Is there such a thing as irregular bar soap? And if there is, why? And, what would you use it for? Yeah, that kept me awake for several nights.
Of all the warning labels I've ever read, the most disappointing one came on the Wonder Woman costume I purchased one year for Halloween. It clearly stated: “This costume dose not enable flight or super strength.” I read it. I understood it. And, it still did not prevent me from testing both. Again, the results fell (literally) short of success.
I don't know, but maybe warning labels are, in fact, the universe's pop ups, its attempt at protecting us from the really dumb things we do of our own free will. Unfortunately free will is the supreme override button for the human brain and so we bumble our way through life often in complete disregard of what's good for us. It amazes me we live past the age of 12.