“I wanted to make choux buns, not serve insatiable goblins”
Trying to keep my cool in COOK, SERVE, DELICIOUS! 2!!
My mother introduced me to the delights of cooking at a young age. Whether it was making delicate little butterfly cakes or filling the house with the scent of freshly baked cookies, my childhood was happiest in the kitchen. Two decades later and I’m downloading Cook, Serve, Delicious! 2!!. People have warned me about the challenge that awaits, but come on. I’ve thrown dinner parties before (as in I’ve served three people chilled beer and fish tacos around a cramped table) and I can make a hollandaise sauce without it curdling. How hard can it be?
The fantasy of cooking has me hooked. It’s a slice of heaven, with a catalogue that describes the history of every food item you can make, plus the chance to take over a variety of restaurants. “This game was made for me,” I think, looking at a fast-food joint that serves juicy burgers and baskets of golden fries. Hunger pangs take over, and I run to the kitchen to snaffle down some cashews.
If you’re a foodie, Cook, Serve, Delicious! 2!! is a joy for the senses.
I soon realize, however, that this game isn’t so much about the joys of cooking as it is military precision. Instead of spending minutes decorating dishes with tangles of watercress or cooing over a cranberry reduction, I’m sweating over getting five dishes out at once. There’s a finite amount of time until customers walk out in impatience, so you need to grapple with preparing several meals while washing plates, taking out trash, and cleaning bathrooms.
One restaurant proves too much to handle— how many croutons did you say you wanted on your salad? I try to find solace in the Chilly Bowl, a parlour that serves sundaes and dessert pies. My sweet tooth sings, and I head in. This should be easy, what’s so taxing about ice cream and sprinkles? But then the hordes arrive and ruin everything. They want every topping imaginable, and recalling which item is mapped to which button makes me want to cry.
CHOUX NO HARM
Isn’t cooking art? Isn’t food supposed to bring me unmitigated joy? I almost shriek as several customers walk out while I’m trying to cook ten dinner orders, meatloaf burning to a blackened brick in the oven. I wanted to spend my time in this game making choux buns, not serving insatiable goblins who order burgers with three patties and four different types of cheese and pickles. Have you not heard of chronic indigestion, you fool?
This is not fantasy. It’s grueling. If this is what it takes to be a chef in the real world, I don’t want to be a part of it ever. I shed a tear as I hastily close the game down and quickly eat four cream puffs in a row. I think it’s best to dream about cooking at my own sweet pace.
I shriek as customers walk out while I’m trying to cook ten dinner orders