NOW PLAYING Worse things, happening at sea.
Atlas : a tale of woman versus shark.
Sometimes life gives you lemons. And by ‘life’ I mean ‘Early Access pirate MMO Atlas’, and by ‘lemons’ I mean ‘a spawn point at the bottom of a vast and unforgiving ocean populated by sharks’. I guess I must now try to make some lemonade. And by ‘lemonade’ I mean ‘commit to this stupid spawn point and spend over two hours swimming west to find land instead of starting over’. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be in one of Atlas’s freeports—safe island zones where players can feel out the game’s systems and start leveling up before heading out on their first craft. The tutorial backs me up on this. “Walk out of the town you start in, and find some bushes,” it says.
Looking around me, there are some fronds of seaweed and a couple of shiny rocks. Also I am making a gurgling noise. I swim for the surface and finally stop suffocating. Perhaps my map and compass will help? My map and compass do not help. There is blue in all directions. While I’m treading water a jellyfish stings me, taking off half my health bar with a solitary zap.
“The first things you’ll want to craft are the Stone Pick, the Stone Hatchet, and all of the Cloth Armor,” says the game. “Consider a torch and campfire for staying warm and seeing once night time comes around.”
I swim in the direction of ‘away from the jellyfish’, and consult the latest advice from the tutorial. “Find the sign near the town you started in that says ‘WATER’,” it says. “Follow the arrow, and you’ll find fresh water
The tutorial seems keen to leave before I ask anything awkward
and fish.” I swim face-first into a dolphin (famously a mammal). The tutorial seems keen to leave before I ask anything awkward, like ‘What if I spawned at the bottom of the sea?’
“There’s too much to hope to cover in a simple tutorial,” it says, “so get out there and explore the wide world of Atlas. Share your experiences with friends, and most of all,”—I never find out what the most of all is because the tutorial text box is too short by one line so all you can see are the very tops of some letters.
But all the swimming means I’ve leveled up. If I can spawn, swim, and die enough times I’ll be able to increase my stamina enough to make landfall (maybe)! Stamina is a sticking point because I can only swim so far before it runs out, and, without solid ground to stand still on and recuperate, I’ll drown. Luckily, a level 19 shark chooses that moment to turn up and put me out of my misery.
Batt ered fish
On the third swim I get into a fistfight with a hammerhead shark. It kills me immediately. On the seventh swim I punch a sea bass, but the sea bass regenerates its health faster than I can punch. I end up with broken bones and drown. On the 10th and 12th swims I spawn in an expanse of nothing beneath a skybox and fall through the bottom of the world.
But on the 16th swim the game betrays me. I spawn on an island. AN ISLAND. I am furious. If I’m going to double down on an idiotic challenge that no one asked me to undertake, I demand that I be allowed to finish it!
Then a manta ray slides out of the sea, headbutts the beach and rolls onto its back. It’s killed itself in the effort to reach land. What an idiot.