Daughter wants to help mom
DEAR HARLAN: My mom needs help. First, some background information: I started dating my boyfriend in high school. When he started college, his dad was fired from his job. That’s when he came up to Maine to go to college with me. The plan was for us to live at my mother’s house until we finished college. My boyfriend asked my mom several times if he could pay rent. She told him no, as he cleaned the house extensively on a regular basis, something my brother and I never did.
A year ago, my stepfather divorced my mother. She immediately started a long-distance relationship. It involved sending money to a man she’d never met in person. One spring, he drove up in a shiny new van to Maine to stay with us. The next month, my mom and “Mark” were married. When I asked why she was in such a rush, she said he had skin cancer and needed health insurance. I warned her not to marry a man whom she clearly didn’t know well. Especially not one who seemed to be absorbing her money like a sponge. However, she was desperate and they got married (although I did persuade them to at least get a pre-nup).
Soon, he became increasingly verbally abusive toward her. He would criticize and insult her over the stupidest things. He threatened to leave her if she didn’t bend to his will. He threatened to take our things, including my laptop and my car. He also tried to persuade my mom to withhold financial aid for me while encouraging her to spend money on pointless things. One day, he put a lock on the door to the room we study in so he could threaten to lock us out of the room. Then, he demanded my boyfriend pay $300 a week for rent.
I watched my mother grow more and more timid. She began to blame us for her problems. Another day, Mark yelled at my autistic brother and threatened him. At this point we decided to get out. My brother moved in with my father, and I moved onto campus with my boyfriend. My mother called me demanding to know where I lived, but by this point my father had done a background check on Mark, revealing to me that he had a criminal record that included domestic abuse and burglary. So I refused to tell her, not wanting to live with the fear that he might break into my dorm and steal my things (or worse).
I’m out of the house and working to support myself, but I still worry about my mother day and night. I often wonder if she’s physically abused. But she denies it. Do you think there’s some way I can help her, even though she’s in denial? — DESPERATE IN MAINE
DEAR DESPERATE: Right now, save yourself. Your birth father can encourage your mom to get help. You can ask a relative to intervene and help. You can turn to a trusted friend of hers or spiritual leader to guide her. Ultimately, she needs to help herself. And you need to take care of yourself. You need to be strong, independent, safe and secure. Once you’re in a better place, you can decide what role your mom will play in your life. Walk into the campus counseling office and find support. Take care of yourself. Until you help yourself, you’re in no position to help your mom deal with this abusive relationship.