Corporate speak bears only a slight resemblance to English
It’s impossible to make a “compelling” case that hiring William Shakespeare to author corporate communications like the ones currently circulating among drug makers Mylan, Teva Pharmaceutical Industries and Perrigo would “enhance shareholder value.”
Hiring a distinguished corporate wordsmith generates no “synergies,” is not a “value proposition,” and has no place on any corporate “platform.”
That being said, surely shareholders can afford more elegant prose than the above-mentioned buzz words and other hackneyed expressions routinely served up by Corporate America and all too frequently regurgitated by inkstained wretches.
Consider this offering last month from Heinz spokesman Michael Mullen on the proposed merger of Heinz and Kraft Foods Group.
“This is a match made in Heinz Ketchup and Oscar Meyer hot dog heaven!” opined Mr. Mullen, whose comment comes across like an over-served hot dog lover with mustard on his Polo shirt.
If any journalist foolishly took his remark seriously, Mr. Mullen probably would have declined comment on whether Heinz’ mustard and relish were miffed at being left off the hot dog.
When Alcoa reported first quarter profits this month, here’s what some wordsmith put in the mouth of chairman and CEO Klaus Kleinfeld: “First quarter results show our transformation is moving at ongoing high speed and is fully on course ... We are pulling on all levers to create sustainable shareholder value.”
It sounds more like the specialty
metals maker is being run by a Captain Kirk knockoff pulling on all levers to employ every cliche possible.
When the Association for Iron & Steel Technology announced this month that it is honoring U.S. Steel president and CEO Mario Longhi as Steelmaker of the Year, the Marshall-based professional society paraphrased language from the Pittsburgh steel producer’s fourth quarter earnings release, noting that in 2014 the company “achieved the best financial performance since 2008.”
Which is one way of avoiding saying that U.S. Steel failed to turn a profit in every year from 2009 through 2013 and lost a cumulative $3.7 billion over that five-year skid.
It appears disingenuous phrases are an integral part of Mr. Longhi’s Carnegie Way initiative, which the company insists is not a headcount reduction program but “a transformational journey.” Dollars to donuts, former U.S. Steel employees who took a transformational journey out the front door escorted by human resources or security personnel don’t agree with that characterization.
As for Mylan, Teva and Perrigo, the drug makers’ spinmeisters have been on high alert in recent weeks, executing a run on the corporate cliche word bank to compose their overtures and rebukes.
In an April 6 letter to Perrigo chairman, president and CEO Joseph Papa, Mylan chairman Robert Coury used the word “value” eight times, “compelling” six times, “platform” and “strategic” five times, and “synergies” four times in an effort to win Mr. Papa’s heart for $205 per share.
But Mr. Papa isn’t swooning over Mr. Coury’s sweet talk.
Tuesday, the Irish drug maker used “value” or “undervalues” seven times in spurning Mylan’s bid. The statement, which invoked “platform” three times and “compelling” twice, included this canned quote from Mr. Papa: “We will continue to capitalize on our durable competitive position by expanding our international platform organically and through future synergistic deals.”
Teva, an Israeli drug maker, was the most restrained of the love-struck trio. President and CEO Erez Vigodman’s letter courting Mr. Coury at $82 per share only made three references to “strategy” or “strategic,” two to “value,” a solitary mention of “compelling,” and did not cite “synergies” or “platform.”
It would be unbecoming for the drug suitors to begin their courtship with, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
But so far, their banal prose isn’t sweeping anyone off their feet.
It’s just more proof that for many corporations, English is a second language.