Worried about widowed mom
DEAR HARLAN: I just graduated high school and will be moving to a large state university in the fall. In April, my dad passed away. Because my mom will be an empty nester, her own transition will be even more difficult, as she will be living alone for first time in decades. Is there anything I can do to help her through this change? — UPSET DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t begin to imagine how this has turned your family’s life upside down. And you’re so kind. Your first thought is about your mom and her happiness. But your mom needs you to take care of yourself. Take time to grieve. Cry. Reflect. Reminisce. Feel it all. Mourn your dad’s loss. Share stories. Talk to family. Lean on a spiritual leader, therapist or grief counselor. Face your feelings and work through these emotions so you can be strong and present. You need to be strong and present for yourself first. When you have support, you’ll be much better equipped to support the people you love.
Give your mom permission to move at her own pace. Her pain and her mourning process belong to her. This is one more reason you need to find support. If she struggles, watching her might make it hard for you because you’re still dealing with feelings you don’t want to face. But if you can take care of yourself first, it will help you to be more patient and understanding of her journey and her transition.
When you’re supporting your mom, direct her to people who can listen and help her. Direct her to places where she can find support and connection (faith, friends, fun). Encourage her to reach out to people who can help her laugh and feel loved. Remind her to be patient. Life is a series of transitions — there is nothing bigger than what your family is facing.
DEAR HARLAN: I’m getting ready to move in with my roommate. I texted her, and all she has talked about is her religion. Granted, we are going to be attending a Christian college, so I expect religion will be involved. However, it isn’t all I want to talk about. Every time I try to change the subject she goes back to asking me very uncomfortable questions about my religion. I’m a Christian, but I don’t like being constantly asked what my specific religious beliefs are on every little detail of life. I have set up a meeting for my mom and I to have dinner with her and her parents in a couple weeks. How do I approach this issue? — ALMOST A SAINT
DEAR ALMOST A SAINT: Dinner? Say grace. That will impress her. Your roommate loves being a Christian. That’s not changing. In fact, expect it to get more intense. Change causes people to lean on their core values (or abandon them). Give her permission to love her faith. If she asks you too many personal questions, let her know that her questions make you uncomfortable. Tell her that you respect her devotion and ask her to respect your relationship with God.
If she continues to push, ask her to have a meeting with a spiritual leader. Discuss what makes you uncomfortable with someone who has a direct link to God. Let a spiritual leader she respects guide her. If her spiritual leader condemns you to eternity in hell, consider finding a new roommate.