Men, punch up your dating profiles
Local coach will be your guide
“A picture is worth a thousand words,” according to a 20th-century English idiom, and 49-year-old Sam Pagano of Plum knows this well.
Just a few months ago, his profile photo on the popular dating site Match.com featured an attractive face, sans smile. The straight-faced move was decidedly masculine but not a winner with potential online dates.
“It was strange. I wasn’t getting responses from people I thought I’d be a good match with,” he said.
On Jan. 15, Mr. Pagano, who works in IT sales, happened upon a woman with an amiable smile and a neat brunette bob. Ready to woo, he sent Hyla Urbany a message. He initiated the conversation by saying hello and telling her his name.
“He was good looking, but he clearly didn’t read my profile,” said Ms. Urbany, who ironically happens to be an online dating coach.
“Shortly after, I deleted the message.”
The following day, Mr. Pagano, now frustrated but seemingly psychic, asked Ms. Urbany what he was doing wrong, unaware of her profession.
“It takes a brave man to ask this question, kudos to you for going there,” she said.
Mr. Pagano’s case is not novel. Last year, Pew Research reported that 15 percent of U.S. adults had used online dating sites, up from 11 percent in 2013.
Dating site users age 45 and up have dramatically increased, which can cause a conundrum in etiquette, especially for those who are less inclined to network over the internet. Plus, the rise of dating apps such as Bumble, which allows women to send the first message, ups the ante for men’s profiles.
Ms. Urbany of Shadyside, who became a certified holistic health coach in 2014, has her own business, Dating Coaching for Dudes, where she helps men re-imagine their profiles, photos, usernames and methodology in approaching potential partners — here, women. (Although dating apps for the LGBT community are extremely popular, that is not her focus).
She said the most significant blunders men make in online dating deal with the initial message they send as well as drab profiles. On Thursday, Ms. Urbany will host a workshop in Swissvale for men to help fix these mishaps.
“A lot of men really struggle with how to present and how to approach,” she said. “No one teaches you how to do this, and you have a lot of people thrown back into the dating pool who may have been married for years and have forgotten the rules.”
Profile photos are the first way potential dates will screen you, Ms. Urbany said, noting that many men aren’t comfortable expressing themselves in that medium.
“You need to have great photos, but that does not mean you need to look like Daniel Craig,” she laughed. “They just need to be flattering.”
Here, flattering means your photos should not be selfies taken in the bathroom mirror, should not be blurry and should not include other women or children. Instead, they should be taken in well-lit areas and include a smile. Ms. Urbany suggests being active in the photos to illustrate your interests.
“I never respond to anyone without a picture. I don’t care how intelligent they sound, it makes me think they’re hiding something,” she said, adding that only having one photo may also create space for dishonesty.
After a woman checks the photos, she scans his profile.
“There are a lot of really vanilla profiles out there,” Ms. Urbany said. “Be as specific as you can and add color.”
She warns that men tend to overgeneralize on their profile or else tell an exasperating, full-length novel version of their life’s goals, aspirations and interests. The profile should be more about depth than range, meaning a man should select a few interests and expand upon them. For Mr. Pagano, that meant listing specific places he liked to go skiing, rather than just mentioning he loved the sport.
“Ask yourself, what would I think if I read this profile, would I be interested in this person or turned off?” she said.
Pay attention to women’s profiles, Ms. Urbany said. When you first approach a woman and send a message, be sure to link to her interests and show you’ve engaged with the content she posted. Do not overwhelm her with the message, though; craft it as though you are sending a text message, she said. Ms. Urbany also recommends diversifying your accounts, including at least one paid site and one that is free.
Ms. Urbany acknowledges that many women face the same issues and also have a tendency to create the “I don’t want” list, she said. This is essentially a slew of items on a profile advising potential matches not to reach out if they fall into any of the prescribed “I don’t want” categories. These may deal with height, weight or age, for example, or may deal specifically with personality traits.
For now, she’s sticking to her niche as a dating coach for men, although she noted that since she has entered this field of work, she has picked up on ways she can even improve her own online dating approach.
“I’m still looking for my one great guy,” she said. “But I’m doing better than I ever have.”
Hyla Urbany will host her Dating Workshop for Men at Wilkins School Community Center (7604 Charleston Ave., Swissvale) at 7 p.m. Thursday. $25. Call 412-244-8458 for more information or visit her website at www.healthcoachingwithhyla.com.
Courtney Linder: clinder@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1707. Twitter: @LinderPG.
“A lot of men really struggle with how to present and how to approach. No one teaches you how to do this.” — Hyla Urbany