The funny papers need me (they just don’t know it)
Some people get their kicks stomping on a dream,” Frank Sinatra proclaimed in the song “That’s Life.” Me? I get my kicks dreaming up gags for cartoonists to stomp on.
Well, it’s not as bad as all that. I do have a scrapbook containing 16 “Bizarro” panels that I inspired. But the rejects (more than 100) outnumber the winners by a wide margin.
It’s not a paying proposition unless you’re well established, but it’s fun to see your ideas fleshed out from the pen of a professional. And Dan Piraro fits that description.
His cartoons are not for everybody. “Bizarro,” the panel’s title, should make that clear. But he has a wide following, and his daily blogs on the internet are funny, irreverent and often preachy.
I answered the call for ideas which he issued on the occasional Sunday when he ran three reader-inspired panels under the heading “Sunday Punnies.” The contributors were named (he has since discontinued that feature), but during the week only a select few get to share his byline.
I’m not in that inner circle, and maybe you’ll understand why when you read some of my ideas that he rejected. Being a child of the Depression, though, I hate to see anything go to waste, so conjure up some illustrations in your mind’s eye and see if you can get some kicks from these discards. And honk if you love puns. If you don’t, better turn to the obits.
• Sign on an empty fragrance dispenser on the wall of a public restroom: OUT OF ODOR.
• In panel 1, an astronomer is looking into a huge telescope as an aide walks by and asks, “Saturn?” In panel 2, the inebriated astronomer swivels around, revealing a wine bottle in his right hand and says, “Sauterne!”
• There’s an odd but famous couple at the baseball game — Homer Simpson and Homer the Greek poet. They’re standing close together, facing away from each other, and signing baseballs. It’s ... BACK-TO-BACK HOMERS.
• Two skeletons are in a clothing store. The female tries on a dress and then asks the male the age-old question: “Does this make me look fat?”
• A black man and a white man are sitting side by side at a lunch table, while behind them a wiseacre coworker says “Hi Guys!” and slaps each of them on the back as their food goes flying. He’s an ... EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ANNOYER.
• Doctor to a sick-looking patient: “Have you been taking the medicine I told you to ingest?” Patient: “No. When you said ‘in jest’ I thought you were kidding around.”
• A waiter says, “How’s your lunch, Mr. Portnoy?” And Alexander Portnoy, an old man now, says, “Terrible.” The kicker: STILL DISSATISFIED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. (This presumes that today’s readers recognize the Philip Roth novel.)
• Beneath a banner that reads “Grammarians [backward R] Us,” a speaker at the lectern is addressing the group: “We’re a new organization, but already there’s a petition to change our name. All in favor ...”
• A sign in the background reads “Flashlight Collectors’ Convention.” A young saleslady stands behind a counter displaying batteries of all sizes. The tag line: SHE SELLS “C” CELLS.
• In the front row of a theater are a couple of longnecked geese standing on the seats. Behind them are a few human patrons, one of whom is shouting, “Down in front!”
• A diner is poised to enjoy a plate of snails when suddenly the waiter snatches it away saying, “Sorry, there’s been a recall.” It’s ... ESCARGONE.
• A man getting up from the dentist’s chair is saying, “I’m glad I heard about this free 60-second checkup.” And the dentist replies, “Actually the checkup is free to the 62nd patient. You’re No. 1. That will be $55.”
• We have a coroner (black suit and hat) standing over a body and pulling a Magic Eight Ball out of his coat. The ball says “HOMICIDE,” and the tag line is ... EIGHT BALL IN THE CORONER’S POCKET.
Well, there you go. If you didn’t like this sampling, just think of it as a recycling effort and be proud that you did your civic duty.
I’ve also sent ideas to Chad Carpenter’s “Tundra” and Bob Thaves’ “Frank & Ernest” with no success. Further proof that you can’t win a mall. (Sorry, it’s a disease.)