America needs therapy
We should work on our political relationships as if we were married couples in counseling, suggests the Rev. N. GRAHAM STANDISH
Years ago, I worked with a struggling couple as their marital therapist. A Mutt and Jeff pair (she was short and stocky, he was tall and lanky), they were a classic dysfunctional couple — wanting peace, trapped in conflict.
I almost got hit during one of our sessions, reacting to something he said. She leapt out of her chair, stormed across the room and loomed over him as he shrunk his tall frame into his chair. Fighting my anxiety, I gently ushered her back to her seat. I then asked him: “What was going on in your head as she shouted at you?” “I was worried she was going to hit me again.” “But you’re twice her size.” “Yeah, but if I hit her I’m the one who gets in trouble.” Leaping up, she yelled, “You make me hit you!”
Watching the tweet storms and newsquakes tearing our country apart, I can’t help but remember this couple. They clearly needed therapy and were trying to repair their relationship. Our country clearly needs therapy, but where are the signs that we’re working on healing? Our two major political parties act like a couple living in separate wings of the same house, believing that happiness will come only when the other capitulates. It doesn’t work in marriages. It won’t work in politics.
If we could learn some basics from family therapy, there might be some hope of putting the country back together again. Here are some basic principles that might help:
• 1) Dysfunction isn’t disfunction: Most people think that dysfunction means “not functioning.” What it really means is “functioning in pain.” The prefix “dys” means “pain,” just as a “dystopian” future is a “painful” future. We are slowly devolving into a dystopia as our national pain becomes so pervasive that it feels like a trap. So how do we move out of dysfunction?
• 2) Change in you begins with change in me: Overcoming dysfunction begins with being
responsible for how “I” am causing pain, no matter how much pain “you” have caused me. I may not be able to change you, but I can certainly change my reaction to you. Over time, changes in me have the power to change others. Nationally, that means people and politicians need to take responsibility for the pain they cause.
• 3) Earn respect, love, trust: Dysfunctional couples too often demand that partners treat them with respect, trust and love, but the reality is that they won’t until they are met with respect, trust and love. In our national conversations, we dysfunctionally believe that somehow being aggressive, critical and demeaning will change others who see things differently. It never does. It deepens dysfunction. Speaking and acting respectfully, trustfully and lovingly changes relationships, but not right away; it takes time.
• 4) Make “I” statements, not “You” statements: Dysfunctional pain persists because “you!” dominates almost all arguments: “Oh yeah, well you did this… you did that…!” Dysfunction diminishes when we begin to make “I” statements such as, “I was feeling anxious and overreacted. I’m sorry…” “I” statements require a certain level of maturity and self-awareness. It requires avoiding the temptation to disguise “you” statements with “I” statements: “I feel angry because
you made me angry.” Politically, this means quit blaming the other. Instead, “I’ll share my perspective and desires, and invite you to help me accomplish them with you.”
• 5) Resolution through negotiation: Therapy recognizes that compromise is a tremendous strength, not a weakness. Too often in marriages and politics, people feel as though giving in makes them weak. The reality is that strong marriages are built on negotiation and compromise. Strong democracies are built on negotiation and compromise. One side dictating while the other capitulates is abusive. Relationships in which both sides sacrifice for the relationship are creative. To cite a film cliche, both sides complete each other, and without each other they become weaker. Our country is becoming weaker.
• 6) Quit bringing up the past: Most marital arguments lose the present for the past. One spouse says, “You forgot to buy my yogurt.” The other replies, “Yeah … well, last month you forgot to bring home paper for the printer.” They devolve into who hurt who more in the past. A good therapist says, “Let it go. Where are you going to go from here?”
Yes, Democrats hurt Republicans by impeaching Nixon, borking Bork, criticizing W and giving us the Clintons. Yes, Republicans hurt Democrats by smearing Bill and Hillary, goring Gore with a hanging chad and blocking Barack. Time to move on. Living in past pain leads to dysfunction. It’s time to quit letting pain be our master.
• 7) Listen: This is the hardest lesson for couples to learn — to listen to each other, allowing the other to make a point, and then responding to what was said, not what you thought was said. The same is true of our country. Led by cable news and talk radio, the ability to listen is becoming extinct. When someone begins to make a point, we interrupt and attack its details. Rarely is anyone heard today. Therapists push couples to listen fully to each other because that’s how real insight is born. Who is pushing us nationally to listen?
• 8) Remember what brought you together: Often couples forget what it was like when they dated and what it was that brought them together. The same is true in our country. What brought us together was a belief in democracy. We’re now a dysfunctional democracy. Time to let the dysfunction go.