Dear Jeff Bezos...

an empty steel mill? Pick one. Advantages include high ceilings, plenty of electricity, handy river access for kayakbased conference calls and world-class ventilation. Then there’s the added bonus of leftover magic from the days (a century ago) when this place was the original Silicon Valley, minting millionaires by the minute. No extra charge.

3: You haven’t mountain biked until you’ve biked the ‘Burgh.

This is no joke. People come from all over the country to humiliate themselves riding the Dirty Dozen, a collection of legendary urban climbs that once starred in a four-wheel-drive Audi commercial. You have rainforest trails? Try a slag pile. You’ll never go back. 4: Great coffee. OK, maybe this one is a wash … I hear you have Starbucks out there, too. But before you make your final call, let’s talk it through over a wet cap at Orbis Caffe (two “f’s!”) in Mt. Lebanon. Or The Coffee Tree in Fox Chapel. Or Piccolo Forno in Larryville. Or any other one of Pittsburgh’s plethora of designated PumpkinSpice Free Zones. 5: Atmosphere. This one may also be a wash. I heard somewhere that Pittsburgh’s days of clouds and gloom are second only to one other city in the country. Yes, Seattle. So, you guys know how to handle this (see No. 4). It’s where we get our unbelievable work ethic, because who’d want to standup paddleboard when the weather stinks? So it’ll be an easy transition. 6: Water sports. You may actually have us on this one, but that doesn’t mean we’re not competitive. Your hydroplanes go 200 mph. Ours top out at 120, but that’s plenty fast enough to outrun a coal barge. You’ve trained Olympic champion rowers (we read “The Boys in the Boat”). We’re working on that, just as soon as the barge traffic lets up. 7: Craft booze. Two words: Whiskey Rebellion. 8: Killer whales. We have them. too. Case in point: James Harrison.

Jeff, I believe I’ve made my case. This should be a nobrainer, especially for the company that single-handedly created the Internet of Things You Never Knew You Needed.We will welcome you to the ‘Burgh with open arms.

One other thing, Jeff. Will you be bringing your own parking chairs, or should we throw those in, too? No problem, we have plenty. Sincerely,

BRAD FISHER Honorary Chairman Amazon-on-the-Mon

Committe