Jodie Foster checks you in, out of ‘Hotel Artemis’
They’re not exactly living it up at the “Hotel Artemis” — but you can check out and leave more easily than check in.
That’s because it’s in the center of riot-ravaged Los Angeles, a dystopian decade hence in 2028, and the Artemis is no longer a posh public hostelry but a secret hospital for criminals on the lam.
And don’t let the frumpy lady in the none-too-fresh white uniform fool you: She’s not just the head Nurse. She’s the only nurse, as well as the admissions officer, diagnostician, triage manager, anesthesiologist and surgeon — a kind of one-woman UPMC-AGH health network rolled into one diminutive middle-aged woman (Jodie Foster).
She’s running this huge old high-rise emergency room, and she’ll decide whether you do or don’t get in. The wounded crooks there can’t afford to get caught but can afford to pay the hefty private fees. They must be paid-up members and follow her three strict rules: No Guns. No Cops. No Killing the Other Patients. Oh, and visiting hours are: Never.
Business is booming, with all beds and the voice-activated operating room at full occupancy. The hotel’s fading vacation-theme suites serve as the patients’ code names. There’s panicky Waikiki (Sterling K. Brown), whose brother Honolulu (Brian Tyree Henry) got shot in the liver during a botched robbery. There’s Nice (gorgeous Sofia Boutella), a not-so-nice French assassin with a self-inflicted bullet wound. Niagara (Pittsburgh’s Jeff Goldblum) is a smarmy mob boss with a feckless son (another Pittsburgher Zachary Quinto). Acapulco (Charlie Day) is an incredibly obnoxious and treacherous arms dealer — he’s gotta die, it’s just a question of when.
Writer Drew Pearce’s directorial debut (he comes from TV and the story-writing department of several Legos and Marvel comic flicks) employs a nice modicum of high-tech gimmicks — my fave being the nifty 3D smart-light phones. It’s only supposed to be 10 years down the road, after all, so things can and do still look pretty much the same as they do now, only rustier. The slick packaging and moody camerawork of Chung Chung-hoon and Cliff Martinez score are all notable. So is Mr. Pearce’s creative staging of the action scenes — but to what end?
Where are all the mobs of outside rioters going? Thousands of them! We’re told at the outset that they’re protesting an evil corporation’s plan to privatize the water supply, but that’s never clarified (or even referred to) again. Ditto for a mysterious pen containing priceless diamonds, whose significance to the plot —I haven’t the slightest idea.
In general, there are way too many characters vying for attention and not enough smart scripting to accommodate them or the baffling resolution. That’s the bad news. The good news is the welcome return after five years (2013’s “Elysium”) of the divine Ms. Foster to the screen, as the world’s most doggedly dedicated nurse — not unlike mythological Artemis, daughter of Zeus and twin sister of Apollo, goddess of the hunt and wild animals, protector of young girls and women. With her shuffling walk, her alcohol problem and a single hairpin holding back her straggly gray-brown hair, she is (almost) worth the price of admission herself. She doesn’t really need the tragic backstory or the Mamas & Papas playing in her earbuds.
Well, let’s not forget “Atomic Blonde’s” Boutella, uneartiste martiale par excellence. Mr. Goldblum had six or seven henchmen with him when he was admitted, but like the loaves and the fishes, they somehow miraculously multiplied during his stay, and Ms. Boutella knocks off three dozen of them in the big battle. Such a lovely face, in such an unlovely place.
Kudos, also, to WWE champ Dave (“The Animal”) Bautista for a nice turn as the Nurse’s sidekick and sole ally.
The best thing about this film is the terrific design of the hotel itself: the faded glory of a vintage 1920s-type Roosevelt Hotel (pre-renovations), washed in flickering fluorescent, darkroom reds and muted pastels.
Alas, like many other scifi thrillers movies set in fascinating futures, this “Hotel” doesn’t live up to the novelty of its mise-en-scene.
Glib conventional ending? Any time of year, you can find it here.