Dad Style? You’re kidding me!

Last week — and I’m sure it had nothing to do with Father’s Day — I learned about something called “Dad Style.”

If Dad Style seems an oxymoron to you, here’s the deal: The hippest among us are donning Hawaiian shirts, acid-washed loose-fitting jeans, clunky white sneakers, baggy shirts and, for some God-awful reason, fanny packs. Male models are strutting runways toting (borrowed) tots. And they aren’t trying to be ironic. Across this country (let’s be honest, mostly in hip neighborhoods) men are intentionally dressing like Uncle Joey from “Full House” because they think it’s cool.

In the interest of full disclosure, somewhere around the time I was stockpiling TP to get through Y2K, Dad Style was my “thang.” I wore white tennis shoes and, for a time, a fanny pack. All my jeans were washed before I bought them and so roomy I had space for a Siamese twin in there.

At the height (or depth) of my Dad Style period, I sported a pair of jeans I’d gotten from a thrift store. They were so comfortable that I actually called around to see where I could buy more. That’s how I found out they were actually women’s “Sunday jeans” designed for ladies with larger hips. I continued to wear them but only around the house. (They were so comfy!)

It’s embarrassing, but the point is I learned from my mistakes. I put all that behind me, as did most other dads. But the dad look is back with a vengeance, and I think I know why.

Fashion designers have been messing with women for decades. They put out the word that purple is “the” color this fall, and then watch as ladies rush to the mall to make sure they don’t miss out. They tell women that everybody who is anybody is wearing long skirts or applying makeup for smoky eyes or huge brows, and boom, that’s all you’ll see. There’s a good reason for this: They want women to dump their old stuff at a thrift store (including, evidently, their Sunday jeans) and buy new stuff.

But now it’s directed at men, and I’m a little suspicious. Maybe this is an elaborate practical joke, a test to see just how dumb men are. Designers got bored messing with moms and decided to see if the same tricks would work on dad’s duds. Next year, they will announce that Dad Style is passe, and all fathers should dress like Michael Jackson. Guys will rush to buy sequined jackets and half a pair of gloves. (Think that’s stupid? Remember last year’s playsuit trend?)

This is unfair to dads. The very act of having children makes you look horrible. To feed your kids, you work all day, only getting up to get something from the vending machines. And when most dads are done working, they come home to a house full of kids, and as any dad can tell you, the only answer to that problem is beer. It all takes a toll. Most dads I know look like they were originally made of wax and then left in the car on a hot day, all droopy and misshapen.

So maybe Dad Style isn’t a style at all. It’s camouflage. The loud, confusing pattern of a Hawaiian shirt makes it hard to see the beer belly underneath. And those loose jeans? They’re actually pretty tight; that’s the true shape of Dad’s rear end. The big comfortable sneakers? Dad’s feet hurt, a lot.

This doesn’t affect me personally. I’m officially past the point of being in style. But if you’re a guy who’s still in the fashion game, I have a vintage fanny pack I’d be willing to part with. Maybe next year, we could go halfsies on a pair of sequined gloves.