‘YOU CAN’T SIT AT OUR TABLE!’
What to do when the bully is a senior citizen
Fistfights over love interests, exclusion from lunch tables, name-calling and keyed cars — senior citizens are capable of more than one might think.
Kim Hicks, manager of the Mars Senior Center, said the way some seniors treat one another makes her feel like she’s watching high school drama unfold. Some are more private about it, whispering behind each other’s backs, but one senior in particular picks on any person for any reason — Ms. Hicks and other staff included. She said the senior’s actions have upset some to tears.
When she started managing senior centers last year, Ms. Hicks never expected to deal with bullying between seniors on a daily basis.
“When I first saw [seniors bullying each other] I was amazed,” Ms. Hicks said. “I just thought people at that age should know better, but sometimes they’re worse than high school kids.”
A 2013 study conducted through Arizona State University’s School of Social Work found 10 percent to 20 percent of individuals in senior centers and living facilities experience bullying.
According to Pamela Countouris, a Mt. Lebanon-based bullying prevention trainer and specialist, senior bullying is a commonly overlooked problem — especially in Pittsburgh, which has a large senior population. For the past five years, she has worked to break the silence and find solutions, officially naming her bullying prevention training company Take Care of Bullying in 2014.
Averaging about 20 training sessions per year, Mrs. Countouris has used Take Care of Bullying — commonly referred to as TCB — to coach seniors and staff at senior facilities how to de-escalate bullying behavior.
Mrs. Countouris, who also serves as a bullying prevention specialist and trainer for schools and the workplace, was first exposed to senior bullying in 2012, when she offered a workplace bullying prevention class to employees at a senior residential facility. The center instead suggested their seniors might benefit more from the seminar.
After being exposed to this phenomenon, Mrs. Countouris made the decision to regularly instruct prevention strategies in senior centers.
“[Demand for TCB counseling] has grown because people are more aware of senior bullying,” she said. “People think senior citizens being curmudgeons is a right of passage, but it’s not. This behavior is psychological violence, plain and simple.”
“People think senior citizens being curmudgeons is a right of passage, but it’s not. This behavior is psychological violence, plain and simple.” — Pamela Countouris Bullying prevention trainer and specialist
BULLY, FROM C-1
Name-calling at bingo to rumor-spreading, ripping decorations off each other’s doors and more, Mrs. Countouris has seen myriad instances of senior bullying since she started TCB.
To Krista Geer, executive director of Crawford County’s Active Aging centers, it’s not surprising some seniors display bullying behavior. When seniors bully, they often gain a sense of power and control they might feel they’re losing with age, she said.
“For many seniors, their worlds are shrinking. Their families are moving away, their friends, relatives and spouses are passing away,” Ms. Geer said. “Every single day, to some degree, [they] feel like [they]’re losing something.”
Mrs. Countouris acknowledged that some seniors who bully have acted this way for many years, but she also emphasized many seniors who bully aren’t aware they’re engaging in bullying behaviors until she brings it to their attention. She said she tries to help them socially engage without pushing their frustrations on others.
Her classes incorporate lessons on how to identify and address bullying early and in a “prosocial manner.” For example, if a senior is excluded from a lunch table, someone at a different lunch table should invite the excluded person to sit at his or her table without engaging the bully.
Throughout her classes, she also makes an effort to listen and talk through personal concerns among seniors and in return provide them with strategies specific to their situations.
Mrs. Countouris noted there are some seniors who are not willing to change their bullying habits, as well as seniors who are not capable of remembering she trained them in bullying prevention. Regardless of how well-received her training may be, she finds it equally important to make a supportive, anti-bullying presence known even if some bullies don’t plan on stopping.
“[Senior bullies] don’t usually have a ‘come to Jesus’ moment,” Mrs. Countouris said. “What people need to realize is that you may never change the personality of a person [exhibiting] bullying behavior, so what you’re doing is changing the culture.”
Mrs. Countouris conducted a training session at the Mars Senior Center this spring, and Ms. Hicks said she saw positive results in the center’s residents and guests almost right away.
After the training, some seniors even felt confident enough to stand up to the one senior who bullies everyone.
“Since ... May 11, I’ve had maybe one instance [of bullying] I’ve actually had to intervene in, which is a big decrease,” Ms. Hicks said. “I used to [need to intervene] at least four or five times a month.”
In previous years, according to Mrs. Countouris, multiple Pittsburgh senior centers expressed hesitation about receiving TCB training in the fear that seniors would leave if they believed bullying was prevalent in their center. Within the past two years, though, they’ve become more open to this training.
While she acknowledged it’s easier to “give seniors a pass” to display bullying behavior, she challenges caregivers, loved ones and other residents to hold seniors accountable for how they treat others.
“If a 100-year-old wants to do the right thing, do any of us have the right not to?”
“For many seniors, their worlds are shrinking. Their families are moving away, their friends, relatives and spouses are passing away. Every single day, to some degree, [they] feel like [they]’re losing something.” — Krista Geer, executive director of Crawford County’s Active Aging centers