Hard to forgive husband and sister for their affair
DEAR NATALIE: I recently discovered that my husband has been having an affair with my sister. My sister and I have never been particularly close, but I cannotBELIEVE that she would do something like this.
They are both very remorseful and claim that it was a big mistake, but I am disgusted and heartbroken. My husband wants to go to counseling and try to work it out. He claimed that he was tired of being “alone” all the time because I work a very demanding job. My sister is just attentionstarved, and I have no idea what would possess her to hurt me and my family like this. We have two children together, and now I’m not sure if I want her in their lives, either.
Everything has been a mess for weeks now. I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions? — DUMPED FOR SISTER
DEAR DUMPED FOR SISTER: I don’t know how you could ever take back your husband after this incredibly disrespectful and hurtful thing that he did. Not only did he decide to cheat on you, which is bad enough, but he had to cheat on you with your sister? That’s sinister behavior. I wouldn’t want anypart of him in my life.
Unfortunately, because you have children, you will have to figure out some way to work through this, and I don’t think counseling is a bad idea in this case. Just make it more about how to move forward as cordial coparents and not about your relationship. He spit on that, and I don’t know how you could ever look at him the same way.
If you are able to divorce him, do so. Affairs are hard enough to move beyond, but adding a betrayal like this to the mix takes it to the next level.
As for your sister, I am not sure how you move forward with her. You deserve some time and space away from her. She did something so despicable that it may take years of family therapy to get through it. Give yourself six months without communication and see how you feel. Maybe cutting her out forever isn’t the best plan for you or your family, but you deserve some respite from both of them. Whatever the issues were in your marriage, they didn’t warrant your husband doing this. It’s laughable that they are both remorseful at this point. Whatever the reasoning they had for their poor choices, they need to take ownership of what they’ve done and realize that they don’t get a redo. What’s done is done. Since they loved their bed so much, they can go lie in it.
DEAR NATALIE: Just met a great girl and we exchanged numbers. I really want to call her and ask her out, but I am worried about the “three-day rule.” I don’t want to come off as a stalker. What should I do? — NOW OR LATER
DEAR NOW OR LATER: The “three-day rule” is antiquated, at best. If you like this person and feel a connection, there is no reason not to reach out. Shoot her a text and say that you were glad to connect and that you will call her tomorrow, if that is OK with her. Let her then respond and be a part of the decision for when to talk again.
This will reduce your worries of appearing overly eager, and it also gives you insight into how interested she is, as well, or whether she’s into playing games. If she responds in a reasonable amount of time, and says she would love to chat and make plans, it sounds like a date is on the horizon. But, if it takes her a few days to respond to the text, and she seems ambivalent about getting to know you better, just let it go and see what happens.
Sometimes, the more ways we have to communicate with one another, the worse we are at actually connecting. So, take it all in stride, and put it out there. If it’s meant to be, she’ll respond.
Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Don’t be closed off to connecting with people who you think you don’t have much in common with. We are so often in our own little bubbles or echo chambers that we forget that there is a big world out there full of interesting people and ideas. If we keep an open mind, we may just discover that we have more in common than we think.