His sloppy ways and his lack of help are signs of disrespect
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DEAR NATALIE: From a newly cohabitating couple: How do you manage an unequal work ethic when it comes to household chores?
I’m always keeping the house neat, and he’s always leaving piles around. Big chores like windows, landscaping and leaf removal need to be constantly requested and reminded. When he does say that he will “help” me, it isn’t even done or done well.
It’s has me feeling like his mother, and I’m not enjoying the benefits of living together because I’m feeling angry and disrespected. I also feel like his parent instead of his partner. — NOT SEXY
DEAR NOT SEXY: This is SO NOT SEXY. You are not his mother, you are his lover, and he needs to treat the home and your shared space with respect if he expects any benefits of living together (if you catch my drift)!
Women do so much emotional labor in the home, at work, in life — everywhere. Emotional labor is the concept of exerting energy to make others feel comfortable, to live up to society’s expectations or to address others’ feelings. It is laborious, because it drains us and it is unpaid, often unmentioned work. Add that to the fact that you are also the house manager, and you have a recipe for disaster.
Every time you “thank” him for “helping” you around the house, you reinforce the idea that you are the one in charge of the domestic space and that he gets a free pass to not worry about housework until you bring it up. Stop doing that. Don’t ask him, anymore. Instead, do your own laundry, keep your room the way you want it, avoid cooking for him, and stop the free labor train. If he doesn’t get the hint after a week or so of this, put this man-child in his place. Either he gets his act together and pulls his own weight like a grown-up, or you don’t live together.
It’s time for him to put on his big boy pants and claim responsibility for his home life. And to parents of all the young men coming up — stop doing their laundry. Stop babying these young men. If they don’t know how to boil water, they’ll learn. Stop making all of their decisions and fighting their battles. It won’t help them to grow. Let them make mistakes and fall on their faces and have to deal with consequences of their actions. Our culture seems to have let go of accountability for bad behaviors. Enough.
DEAR NATALIE: The world has become more complicated and it’s difficult to identify what’s “normal.” This is the second marriage for my husband and me. Before we were married, he asked me to sign a prenuptial agreement that stipulated his house would be inherited by his two adult daughters if he passes away before I do. I will have several months to arrange for my own housing before his daughters take possession of the home. He owns the home and the deed is in his name.
My husband is wealthy, but I have my own retirement nest egg. I don’t rely on him financially. We evenly split all of our expenses — water, electricity, gas, cable, sewer, homeowners association fees, groceries, entertainment, travel, etc. And I also pay 50% of all real estate taxes on the home including property taxes and school taxes. I perform the majority of the home’s upkeep.
Recently, my husband has mentioned the possibility of me paying rent to him. I thought it was unreasonable for one spouse to pay rent to the other. So harkening back to my opening comment, has it become “normal” in today’s society for a husband to collect rent from his wife even if it’s a second marriage? PUZZLED, THE SECOND TIME AROUND
DEAR PUZZLED, THE SECOND TIME AROUND: This situation concerns me on many levels. Financial control is a form of abuse, and I am wondering if this isn’t the only area of your life with him where you feel constricted and manipulated.
You shouldn’t be paying rent on a property that you have no claim to. If he wanted to split a mortgage, and both your names were on the deed, that would be a different story. But the fact that he wants you to pay him rent, on top of the fact that you split expenses, is preposterous.
If he wants his daughters to inherit this property, let them chip in for real estate taxes, school taxes, etc. Tell him, “Not only am I not paying rent on this property, but I will also not be giving you money for any expenses related to it.”
Unless you start putting your foot down and drawing clear boundaries, I fear he will continue to steamroll you and put pressure on you to give more in this relationship financially than is necessary. If he won’t accept this, then you need to figure out what you will accept.
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