A call to a horse is justified, of course
Last week my friend and Post-Gazette colleague Mike White was reading the news about the 2018 Triple Crown winning racehorse Justify, now freshly accused of doping, when the peerless high school sports oracle suddenly remembered that back in the ’80s, I’d had some good luck interviewing the participants when I covered the Kentucky Derby.
I could not remember that, but then, I can barely remember Friday.
Still, I thought, what could it hurt to waste a call to Justify, who is apparently in Australia, getting on with his life’s work.
Ring: Hellooooo ...
Me: Uh, yes hello, I’m trying to reach Justify, the 2018 Triple Crown winner? Justify: Yeah this is he. Me: Oh great. Hey I’m calling from the Pittsburgh PostGazette today.
Justify: Pittsburgh? You want my reaction to Roethlisberger? Mad bummer, right? A true thoroughbred that guy; I feel terrible for him because I know myself when you’re not out there running with the boys you just want to compete so bad, man. Out for the season! Terrible.
Me: True, true, but I was actually calling about a story in the New York Times.
Justify: Oh Kavanaugh. Not touching that one, bro. Nolo commentooooo ...
Me: Well no, not Kavanaugh. It was actually a story that says, in some detail, how you failed a drug test prior to the Santa Anita Derby in April of 2018, a race you won and, of course, qualified you for the Kentucky Derby, and a shot at the Triple Crown.
Justify: Of course.
Me: Of course, what? Justify: Of course, it qualified me, that’s all. Of course. Of course.
Me: A horse is a hor . . . Justify: Stop.
Me: Sorry, well look, unfortunately, I have to ask if you took scopolamine prior to the Santa Anita Derby, because according to the Times, the California Horse Racing Board says you did and, of course, Hall of Fame trainer Bob Baffert says you didn’t, so do you have a few minutes to talk about this?
Justify: Of course.
Me: Oh, c’mon. Justify: I’ve got a couple of minutes; you caught me between sessions.
Me: Sessions? Justify: Stud man.
Me: Steadman? Justify: Stud. S-T-U-D. Me: Oh, stud. Right. So there are multiple sessions in the same day? Justify: Three a day. Me: Whoa.
Justify: I know, right? Me: What’s that like? Justify: It beats workin’ (snort!).
Me: Did you just snort? Justify: Just get to your questions; I’ve got like 20 minutes.
Me: Well, as I indicated, the main question is whether you did or did not ingest scopolamine prior to the Santa Anita Derby.
Justify: I’ve never taken anything man. Scopolamine? What is it? Never heard of it.
Me: Apparently, it’s an environmental contaminant that grows wildly near piles of horse dung and can accidentally get into a horse’s feed or stable bedding. Metabolically, it can act as a bronchodilator, clearing your airways, making the heart more efficient, in other words, a performance enhancer.
Justify: Did you say horse dung?
Me: Yes.
Justify: Oh ... the dung weed. That’s scopolamine? The dung weed?! Me and the boys, oh, God.
Me: Oh, God?
And then there was a silence that seemed to last longer than the Belmont Stakes. Me: Are you there? Justify: Yeah I’m here. We smoked it man! We smoked the dung weed! Oh my freakin’ God. This is so stupid because you know, usually horses hate the dung weed because it stinks so bad; we used to dare guys to do it, but nobody would. But that spring in California — I mean the climate’s changing man — it was so warm the dung weed was almost fragrant man. One night me and a coupla other racers found some out behind the far stables. No one was around. You know these horse people are morning people. No one’s around at night.
So yeah, we did it. Got wasted. So I guess they take back the Triple Crown. That’s great. Just great. Anything else I can do for the freaking Pittsburgh Post-Gazette?
Me: Well, there was this other story I was wondering if you might comment on. It seems that Vice President Mike Pence ... Justify: Oh cripes.
Me: Yeah Pence was at some Republican function in Baltimore when he told a story about how he visited the farm where American Pharoah ...
Justify: My man! What about him?
Me: Pence says Pharoah bit him.
Justify: Say that again. Me: Vice President Mike Pence says he was bitten on the arm by 2015 Triple Crown winner American Pharoah, and, here, I’ll read you the exact quote, the bite was “so hard I nearly collapsed.”
Justify: Oh my God that is the biggest load of horse ... Let me tell you something about American Pharoah OK? I never met the dude, OK? But everybody I know and everybody in the industry knows that that horse is as gentle as a Kentucky breeze. I know trainers who say they’ve seen complete strangers walk up to American Pharoah’s stall and put their faces right against the dude’s nose, nuzzling him, and all he does is purr like a kitten.
Sweet, they say. Some said that’s why he’d never be a big winner. Too sweet. And boy did he show you people. And now I’m answering questions about American Pharoah biting Mike Pence. Geezus Mike freaking Pence. What’s wrong with people?
Me: Well Justify I really appreciate . . .
Justify: No I’m asking you sincerely what is wrong with people? Horses don’t act like this! What the hell is wrong with you people?
Me: I don’t know. Look I gotta go; it was nice . . .
Justify: Oh, you gotta go. You’re busy?
Me: Well, I got this Roethlisberger thing.
Justify: Yeah, don’t call me again.