No question, some teams have a slim chance
Why do people drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
The Fumbler pondered that as he sat in traffic on the Parkway West last week.
To be honest, questions like those sometimes keep The Fumbler up at night. So, he recently sought the help of a doctor, who told him it might be best if he shared his thoughts in this week’s column.
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? That’s how much of a chance some teams have this week. Hey, better than no chance at all, right?
If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of its nose? Maybe The Fumbler will make a trip out to Brunton Dairy or Turner Dairy to find out. Come to think of it, a call to Derry High School might be quicker.
When a mime gets arrested, does a cop tell him he has the right to remain silent? Hey, did you hear about the mime that got fired? He did a truly unspeakable act.
Why do doctors call what they do practice? Shouldn’t they be good at it by now? The Fumbler’s doctor won’t be amused by that one.
Some questions are simply difficult to answer, like if a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Luckily for The Fumbler, picking winners is much easier.
Follow The Fumbler on Twitter — @FumblerPG
A 51-13 record last week moved The Fumbler’s season record to 403-102 (.798).
Here are his thoughts on this weekend’s top games:
Brentwood (7-1) at Burgettstown (7-0), 7 Friday — Once upon a time, if you heard a commotion while driving through Burgettstown, there was a 100% chance it was coming from Star Lake Amphitheater (Sorry, to The Fumbler, it will always be Star Lake). Nowadays, there’s a decent chance the noise could be from fans celebrating a Burgetttstown win. From the “Did you know?” department: With a win, Burgettstown can clinch a second consecutive conference title. Also, the first concert ever at Star Lake was … Billy Joel in the summer of 1990. Winner: Burgettstown.
Peters Township (7-1) at Bethel Park (5-2), 7:30 Friday — The township named after a former Pirates pitcher takes on the park named after a bakery. This talk has The Fumbler craving a jellyfilled donut, yet still not interested in talking anything Pirates related, unless, of course, it has to do with the 1997 team that included Chris Peters, Joe “The Joker” Randa and Jose Guillen. This game will play a big role in determining the Class 5A Allegheny Eight title. A Logan Pfeuffer touchdown pass to Josh Casilli will be the difference. Winner: Peters Township.
McGuffey (8-0) at Avonworth (8-0), 7 Friday — Is Avon worth it? The Fumbler’s Aunt Gertrude asked him that question many years ago. Aunt Gertrude was looking to make a little cash on the side selling beauty products. The Fumbler couldn’t afford to buy any, but he is buying what he sees in this Avonworth team that has given up only 84 points all season. The offense has been potent, too, but not at the level of McGuffey, which has scored at least 41 points in all but one game. A McGuffey-Washington showdown is a week away. Winner: McGuffey.
Baldwin (5-3) at Penn Hills (7-1), 7 Friday — Baldwin has won four games in a row and last week clinched its first playoff berth since 2013 after winning a double-overtime thriller against Bethel Park. What in the name of Dave Wannstedt is going on? Wannstedt graduated from Baldwin in 1970. That fall, the WPIAL championship games were played at Three Rivers Stadium for the first time. Is this Baldwin team good enough to make a trip to Heinz Field, errr, Norwin High School? Here’s a litmus test — a game at defending WPIAL and PIAA champion Penn Hills. Winner: Baldwin.
And the rest (home teams in capital letters):
Thursday
CITY LEAGUE (Semifinals) — Westinghouse over Allderdice.
Friday
CITY LEAGUE (Semifinals) — University Prep over Perry.
WPIAL CLASS 6A — (Quad County) CENTRAL CATHOLIC over CanonMcMillan; Hempfield over BUTLER; Mt. Lebanon over NORWIN; Pine-Richland over SENECA VALLEY.
WPIAL CLASS 5A — (Allegheny Eight) Moon over WOODLAND HILLS; Upper St. Clair over CHARTIERS VALLEY. (Big East) GATEWAY over Connellsville; McKeesport over FRANKLIN REGIONAL. (Northern) FOX CHAPEL over Armstrong; MARS over Kiski Area; NORTH HILLS over Shaler.
WPIAL CLASS 4A — (Big Eight) Laurel Highlands over INDIANA; WEST MIFFLIN over Ringgold; Thomas Jefferson over GREENSBURG SALEM. (Northwest Eight) SOUTH FAYETTE over Ambridge; MONTOUR over Beaver; New Castle over HIGHLANDS.
WPIAL CLASS 3A — (Big East) Derry over DEER LAKES; MOUNT PLEASANT over Freeport; North Catholic over YOUGH; ELIZABETH FORWARD over Uniontown. (Tri-County West) Aliquippa over KEYSTONE OAKS; QUAKER VALLEY over Hopewell; CENTRAL VALLEY over South Park.
WPIAL CLASS 2A — (Allegheny) Shady Side Academy over EAST ALLEGHENY. (Century) CHARLEROI over Brownsville; CARMICHAELS over Frazier; Washington over SOUTHMORELAND.(Midwestern) ELLWOOD CITY over Mohawk; NEW BRIGHTON over Shenango; NESHANNOCK over Western Beaver. (Three Rivers) SOUTH SIDE BEAVER over Fort Cherry; SERRA CATHOLIC over Seton LaSalle; South Allegheny over CARLYNTON.
WPIAL CLASS 1A — (Big Seven) Sto-Rox over LAUREL; OUR LADY OF THE SACRED HEART over Union. (Eastern) Clairton over SPRINGDALE; JEANNETTE over Riverview. (Tri-County South) CALIFORNIA over Chartiers-Houston; WEST GREENE over JeffersonMorgan; Mapletown over AVELLA.
NON-CONFERENCE — BLACKHAWK over Beaver Falls; Belle Vernon over PLUM; LEECHBURG over Bentworth; Burrell over WAYNESBURG; Freedom over APOLLO-RIDGE; CORNELL over Greensburg Central Catholic; BETH-CENTER over Imani Christian; TRINITY over Knoch; Latrobe over MIDDWEST; Monessen over ROCHESTER; Penn-Trafford over HAMPTON; ALBERT GALLATIN over Spring Mills, W.Va.; RIVERSIDE over Valley; NORTH ALLEGHENY over West Allegheny.
Saturday
WPIAL CLASS 2A — (Allegheny) Steel Valley over SUMMIT ACADEMY.
WPIAL CLASS 1A — (Big Seven) Northgate over BISHOP CANEVIN.