No need to fix a solitary kid
Dear Carolyn: I’m afraid my 16-year-old daughter is missing out on the best parts of her youth. She’s a good kid, gets good grades, but doesn’t seem to have any friends, doesn’t date, doesn’t go to parties, football games or dances — nothing.
Her entire life is focused on a blog she runs and the fan fiction she posts on another site. I’ve checked her blog. It’s OK, but nothing most girls would be interested in.
These are the years to have fun, learn social skills and build a good resume for college. My daughter will have absolutely no extracurricular activities other than her Superman and Batman fan fiction. My husband and I have told her about all the fun she’s missing — he played football and ran track; I was a cheerleader, in the theater club and never missed a dance. But she’s just not interested. In anything.
We don’t think she needs to be a cheerleader or an athlete, but we do think she needs to be involved in something. What should we do?
— Worried Recognize, now, that she is involved with something. It’s just not what interests you. And that’s fine.
Even better, it’s authentic. Your daughter isn’t afraid to be herself despite pressure, no doubt, from
her popular parents to be what they think a teen girl should be. Pressure, plus scorn. You dismiss her fan fiction and say her blog is “nothing most girls would be interested in.” You just totally invalidated her.
To be fair, if she doesn’t have friends, then that is concerning. And you’re right about building in-person social skills.
But she might have a huge community you don’t see. She’s also 16, not 6. She needs you to believe in her, not pick out friends for her. So respect her terms. Some kids see sports/dances/theater as scholastically sanctioned torture, not “the best parts” of anything. She’s not interested in the cheer scene!
Except perhaps ironically. Work with that, not against it.
Just stop trying to fix her. Hedge against isolation by encouraging a volunteer gig or part-time job, sure. But otherwise, unless she’s depressed, why not treat your evidence of “missing out” as proof instead that she’s opting out, and comfortable in her own skin? The kid you describe sounds productive and focused, just more solitary than you’d choose to be.
Some comments from digital readers:
• My mom used to laugh off science fiction and fantasy as “that silly stuff she likes.” And then I moved to L.A. and got on the writing staff of a fantasy TV drama. Suddenly what I liked wasn’t so silly after all.
• I interviewed applicants for my (elite) alma mater for several years. Plenty of kids do track, football, cheerleading. If that’s your milkshake, fine. But someone who at 16 dedicates time and passion to something not mainstream? That’s special.
• I was forced by my parents to “get out with the other kids.” It was torture and I much preferred books, TV and needlecrafts indoors. Now at 62, I’m still a reader and needleworker. And I still resent my parents for making me feel so utterly alien from society.
• My brother had a son like this and took him to Comic-Con events. He found his community there!