The 2020 schedule isn’t worth the ... well, be sure to keep an eraser handy
With typically shameless hyperbole, the relevant authorities this past week un- leashed the Official NFL Schedule for 2020, otherwise known as a highly conspicuous if purely theoretical list of 256 events that probably aren’t going to happen.
One would suppose that some stable genius somewhere can figure out how the Steelers are going to social distance in the huddle four months from now (just go no-huddle all the time, right?), and surely there’s plenty of video evidence around Mike Tomlin’s film rooms that his
secondary can keep a safe distance from personnel in opposing uniforms, but the 2020 season is just not going to hold up as an entertainment vehicle if it’s all about some final, ultimate determination of who does and does not play well in space.
Hope I’m wrong, of course (I mean, it’s happened before), but even without the demanding spectacle of a live studio audience, NFL teams already have a series of daunting logistical problems to overcome every given Sunday, even when there isn’t a killer virus infecting people coast to coast.
Have you taken a good look at the population density on an NFL sideline recently? Players, coaches, trainers, medics, ballboys, ballgirls, Kball handlers handling the footballs that are exclusively for kicking (no seriously), videographers, audiographers, cheerleaders, mascots, side judges, a chain gang, an unchained gang of dubiously credentialed pseudo-celebs and at least one guy whose job it is to signal to an official that yes, finally, we’re back from the commercials. Among others.
This doesn’t count the people who are not on the sideline, the people who are fiercely assaulting social distancing and each other, collisions being a primary determinant in the outcome, which is pretty much the whole point.
Undeterred, the NFL went ahead with its Thursday night schedule reveal on NFL Network, with Rich Eisen announcing at the outset he’d be overseeing a four-hour production.
FOUR HOURS? Apparently, much as with Viagra, an NFL schedule inspection of more than four hours requires immediate medical attention. For the record, Oscar-winning producer David O. Selznick brought “Gone with the Wind” home in 3:58, and that show even had a story.
But at least with this schedule drop, we can assign specific dates to when things probably won’t happen, such as Sept. 13, the day the AFC North champion Baltimore Ravens are scheduled to determine definitively that one of their wide receivers is not Antonio Brown.
It’s also the date the Cleveland Browns are scheduled to determine definitively that they are not the Baltimore Ravens. Should that game somehow actually come off, I’m thinking Ravens 30, Browns 7.
As for Brown, he can Photoshop any uniform he likes onto an image of Mr. Big Chest on social media, but as should be plainly evident in this league by now, you can tweet your way off somebody’s team a lot easier than you can tweet your way onto one. Particularly with charges pending.
More dramatically perhaps, Sept. 13 is the date America is scheduled to find out just who the heck Jarrett Stidham is.
Jarrett Stidham.
The quarterback, by all indications, of the New England Patriots in the post-Tom Brady era, is Jarrett Stidham. After Brady left for Tampa Bay this offseason, the Patriots passed on every decent free-agent quarterback and a number of highly draftable football flingers because they’re evidently tickled with what they’ve seen of Stidham, which is four NFL passes in no NFL starts.
Eisen asked New England coach Bill Belichick about him while I was still watching Thursday night, maybe 15 minutes in, and Belichick did not really de-mystify things.
“He worked really hard last year and he was the backup quarterback the entire season,” Belichick said, “and I know he’s working hard in the offseason and he’s made a lot of progress understanding our offense and understanding opposing defenses, like a lot of players from Year 1 to Year 2.”
As always, thanks for nothin’ Bill.
Brady, the world’s oldest living quarterback, is scheduled to show up in the wrong uniform for the first time Sept. 13 against Saints icon Drew Brees in New Orleans, where the combined age of the starting quarterbacks will be 84.
The following evening in North Jersey is when the Steelers are scheduled to find out there’s nothing wrong with Ben Roethlisberger’s right arm that the New York Giants can’t fix. The Giants, with the next-to-next-to-worst defense in the league last year, used three of their first five draft picks on offensive linemen.
You might have heard the Steelers will be playing on Thanksgiving Night as well, but it’s hard to look much past Week 1 when you can’t even see the rookie minicamp that’s happening this weekend.
Helpfully, the Steelers allowed media outlets to interview some draft picks remotely by providing a special phone number, pin, and personal ID number, leaving strict instructions that “sharing of this link will result in a penalty.”
And it’s a big one. Unsportswriterlike conduct, 15 yards.