Trying to grieve amid worldwide shutdown
Despite living a stone’s throw from the Parkway East in Squirrel Hill, it has been three months since Beth Goldstein has driven outside of her neighborhood. It has nothing to do with stay-athome orders, social distancing or even tunnel traffic. It’s the car radio and a certain song she’s not yet ready to hear: “My Girl” by The Temptations.
The Temptations was the first concert she ever attended with her father, when she was 10 years old. She and her dad danced to “My Girl” at her wedding. And they listened to the song together, her head on his chest, as he lay dying from a sudden brain hemorrhage in midFebruary.
“That was just always our song,” she said, her voice quavering. “The feeling of hearing that song for the first time randomly is a little too much for me to bear right now. … I want to feel those feelings. I’m just not ready to do it at 65 mph on the parkway yet.”
Bob Goldstein’s death came just 12 days after that of Beth’s mother, Linda, who had suffered with chronic illness for decades and succumbed to kidney failure on Feb. 2. His death was one month to the day before the first confirmed case of COVID-19 in Allegheny County.
Ms. Goldstein barely had time to begin to process her enormous loss before the statewide stay-at-home orders shut her off from in-person therapy, religious services, fitness centers or even socializing with friends — all things that help people grieve.
She also had to take over her father’s accounting firm in the midst of its busiest time of year.
“They say the only two absolute things in life are death and taxes and I’m swimming in both,” she said.
Nationwide, some have tried to spotlight the need for help with chronic depression, addiction, acute stress, anxiety and other aspects of mental health in this unprecedented modern crisis. “It’s OK to not be OK” has become a public-service slogan and the #AloneTogether social media hashtag and website are popular ways to find coping resources. But losing both parents within two weeks is not common.
“It’s a very complicated grief” and it remains present, particularly with the world mostly standing still.
“You have to talk about it. You have to face it,” Ms. Goldstein said.
“I’ll call a friend and I’m crying before they even pick up the phone. I lost both of my parents who loved me so much. If this had happened to someone else I’d feel so bad for them. But it’s my reality.”
She said she is lucky to have a robust support network. Her brother, Michael, is experiencing the same loss. Her husband, Jeremy Goldman, has been a rock of support and their young daughter, Hannah, a source of joy. Pittsburgh’s Jewish community is tight-knit and her congregation, Tree of Life/Or L’Simcha, is still dealing with the loss and grief of the October 2018 massacre.
Ms. Goldstein said she’s done phone appointments with a therapist. Her dog, Penny, is a trained therapy dog she used to take to hospitals to help others. Now the Airedale terrier is her therapy dog alone.
“There’s not even good days and bad days. There’s good moments and bad moments. Feeling that range throughout the day is exhausting, but necessary,” she said.
Anxiety often creeps in in the evenings, after she and Jeremy have put Hannah to bed.
“During this time, which is so strange and isolating, it becomes a paramount part of your life because you would want to reach out to a parent or a sibling that passed away. ... I think no matter the length of time that’s passed, you still have to be kind to yourself, still find beauty and still find ways to socially connect with the people in your life.”
It helps to have things to look forward to, like regular get-togethers with friends on Zoom or Houseparty.
When asked what she might say to someone who’s going through a similar ordeal or just struggling day to day, she said:
“Be kind to yourself. This is a hard time for everyone. Whether you’ve lost someone or not, we’re all in a sense of grief. We’ve all lost something, whether it’s our job, our security, or a loved one. I’ve lost both of my parents, and I don’t know how to get through. I just know how to get up each day and face it.”
You can’t go it alone and you can’t keep it in, she reminds people.
“Your first step has to be to reach out. … You have to talk about it and you have to not be afraid to cry.
“Recognize what you can and can’t do. Don’t push it.
It’s a very difficult time to grieve and find comfort and normalcy so know what you’re capable of and not capable of.”
On a warm evening last week, Ms. Goldstein sat in her backyard. Birds chirped and Penny chased squirrels while Hannah played in a big new swing set Jeremy put together to pass time in quarantine. Her thoughts turned to her father.
“My dad would say ... good things come from bad things,” but she acknowledged it can be hard to for anyone to see “when you’re stuck and just sitting in this dark place of grief.”
But she reflected on the immeasurable good deeds she’s seen first hand in the local Jewish community and the larger Pittsburgh community during the COVID-19 crisis as proof positive of her father’s words.
And that despite it all — loss, mourning, and quarantine — “I get to be with my family. And that’s what’s important.”