References to boyfriend’s ‘wife’ confuse friends
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a widower for two years. We have both said we are happier with each other than we’ve ever been with anyone else and that at some point we will marry.
When we are in public or with friends, he refers to his late wife as his wife. It makes me uncomfortable, and the people he’s talking to always look at me in shock. My boyfriend doesn’t notice this.
Is this appropriate? Should he refer to her as his late wife, or am I being thinskinned?
GENTLE READER: That the gentleman has not noticed the reaction of others gives Miss Manners hope that the slight is unintended. And it supplies a solution: Describe to him what is happening and say that, while you know he loved her very much, it will be easier on your friends if, in future, he describes her as his late wife.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work overseas, far from family and friends. When I talk to my oldest friend (we are both in our late 50s), she says she is lonely because she has no friends.
I was a housewife in a very small town for many years, and then earned two degrees in order to work abroad. She earned her degree immediately after high school and has worked and lived in a large exciting city for over 30 years.
When she says she has no friends, I feel guilty. She thinks I live an exciting life, but, in fact, I live a routine life, just as she does. She actually does have a few friends, but all but one live outside her city.
I feel like she has made choices that have caused this relative isolation, but I don’t know how to say this. I also think she is feeling sorry for herself. What is the best way to react?
GENTLE READER: A friend listens. What you do next depends upon what you hear. If she is expressing despair, action may be required. If it is casual self-pity that has become habitual, it is time to change the subject. Miss Manners does not see that guilt serves any purpose, either for you or for your friend.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wedding gifts to relatives have gone unthanked most of the time. I am wondering what Miss Manners thinks of this proposal: Since wedding invitations now include a stamped pre-addressed envelope for return of the RSVP, perhaps the gift-giver might include a pre-thanked, pre-stamped, preaddressed note in the gift box. All the bride or groom need do is sign it.
GENTLE READER: Your presumably facetious solution is, in fact, being put into practice by modern couples. Whether that is a good thing depends on what you hope to accomplish.
If it is increased efficiency, that mantra of modern life, Miss Manners can do you one better: Skip the wedding, the cake and the gift. If it is to demonstrate to the giftgiver that the bride and bridegroom are grateful, there are gracious solutions.