What’s really the last thing you should be worrying about?

Plenty of troubled earthlings have had their thinking challenged by recent tumultuous events, and the forces that have encouraged a sweeping recalibration of our values aren’t limited to the usual suspects: the media, the government, the intellectuals, the big-platform celebrities, the radical left, the reactionary right, even the vanishing middle.

Plus, I hasten to mention, at least one leading toilet paper manufacturer.

“At Charmin,” goes a currently ubiquitous commercial, “we understand that the last thing you need to worry about right now is having enough toilet paper.” Yeah, but, is it though? I mean I have enough toilet paper and, admittedly, some extra, but if I didn’t, I could easily visualize a situation in which I would need to worry about toilet paper RIGHT NOW!

Not to criticize Charmin — the family of blue cartoon bears assembled near the sofa look very concerned as they stare at a TV, where the news is apparently bad enough that Papa Bear looks like he’ll need to avail himself of the product at any second — but at this point in the Hunker Games, I’m afraid there are plenty of things that could bump the toilet paper inventory from the throne of “the last thing you need to worry about right now.”

Yeah, throne. See what I did there?

So, I thought I’d make a short list of candidates for the last thing I need to worry about right now, which changes from minute to minute depending on exposure. See where you’d put each of them in relation to the toilet paper supply. Or don’t. I don’t care. The last thing I need to worry about right now is Lori Loughlin, after more than a year of crying innocent, getting a two-month jail sentence for scamming the admissions office at the University of Southern California. The sentence seems light compared to those of the other scammers, but maybe not when you consider Aunt Becky also has to pay a $150,000 fine and devote 100 hours to watching “Full House.”

Or maybe the last thing I need to worry about right now is the name of Elon Musk’s kid. Originally, the Tesla CEO, whose real name is Elon Musk, and his wife, Grimes, whose real name is Claire Boucher, announced the name of their newborn son as X AE A-12, but soon changed it, for obvious reasons. Now it’s X AE A-Xii. Either way, it’s maybe the last thing I need to worry about right now, although I did like Gus for the little fella.

Or maybe the last thing I need to worry about is the postponed dream wedding of

J.Lo to A-Fraud Rodriguez that had been scheduled for this summer in Italy. Jennifer says she’s heartbroken, but, um, have ya seen the news?

Or maybe the last thing I need to worry about right now is the relationship between Lea Michele and her former “Glee” cast members. Again, seen the news? Ms. Michele got ripped in some interviews for, among other things, “microaggressions” against cast members of the show about a high school glee club, promptly apologized, and was unapologetically ripped again. Heartbreaking.

But I think the most authentic last thing I need to worry about right now is the elusive agreement between baseball and its players about fair compensation for a season in which there is, at least so far, no baseball. What, after all, could interest Americans less than a rhetorical hair-pull between billionaires and millionaires over the equitable distribution of what last year was close to $11 billion? Still again, seen the news?

I know there isn’t $11 billion on the table for this pandemic ravaged season, but pop quiz: Who won the 1994 World Series? Nobody. It was canceled when the owners and players couldn’t agree on how to split $2 billion. Would they take the game away again over failure to micromanage their own greed? Certainly. So you 1 percenters can just do what makes you happy. It’s the last thing I need to worry about right now.

As ever, your results may vary. Where the real or imagined potential toilet paper shortage ranks among your worries is a highly individualized metric. I have the advantage of having lived through the Great Toilet Paper Scare of 1973-74, a horror I’d evidently cast into my repressed memory until I stumbled over it Monday on the internet.

Apparently, a Wisconsin congressman worried publicly that a potential bulk paper shortage could impact his paper-producing district, mentioned that it could morph into a looming toilet paper shortage, and then Johnny Carson mentioned it in his monologue one night in December of ’73.

By New Year’s, there had been a run on retailers all over America in response to a toilet paper shortage that never existed, for which Mr. Carson ultimately apologized.

“I don’t want to be remembered as the man who created a false toilet paper scare,” he said. “I’ve done a lot of mean things in my life, but I hate to think of people sitting around ... and just sitting around.

“So don’t rush into the market. There is no shortage, but, wow, people believe you when you say something.”

Wait, you’re thinking, people believed you when you said something?

Oh, yeah. Used to be a thing.