Mother-in-law’s housework creates problem during visit

Dear Amy: My in-laws are in town. They are staying at our apartment. Thankfully, my husband and I are able to stay at my parents’ place while my own folks are away,because our apartment is too small for four adults andthree animals.

My mother-in-law is cleaning and doing our laundry at our place while we are at work. That’s nice, but my husband isn’t single anymore and I feel uncomfortable that she’s doing that.

Also, she wants to cook him a roast and potatoes for dinner. I don’t eat either of these things, so is it rude to cook my own meal?

I feel a little overwhelmed by it all, but I can’t say anything because he hasn’t seen his parents in almost a year. Am I being ridiculous? — Young Wife

Dear Wife: Yes, you are being ridiculous. But this brand of ridiculousness is often brought on by the presence and potatoes, so I’m going to of in-laws, especially put together a little salad for when they are staying in myself. But I think it’s really your home. sweet of you to do this, and I

You sleeping elsewhere is know your son is going to appreciate a lucky break because your it.” mother-in-law is trying to If later on in your relationship make herself at home — and you find that your be helpful — in your home. If mother-in-law is leaping over you were cohabiting during domestic boundaries, then this visit, your reaction youshould draw a firm line. about boundaries would be Dear Amy: My stepdaughters somewhat justified. are 17 and 22. The

Cleaning and cooking are separation agreement (12 how your mother-in-law is years ago) specified that neither expressing her gratitude for spouse could malign the the visit. She is trying to other, which my husband mother both of you, and you and I upheld. The girls’ would be gracious to accept mother has not necessarily her efforts. abided by this agreement.

If she wants to cook a special Now that they are old meal for her son, then enough, should we tell them embrace it. If you decide to that their mom’s affair with eat a separate meal, then their stepdad is the reason praise her efforts, tell her it for their parents’ divorce — looks delicious, but say, “Unfortunately, or should we just let it ride? I don’t eat meat — Wondering Stepmother

Dear Stepmother: This is a situation where you need to ask yourself: What would be gained from gratuitously offering this information to your stepchildren?

The way you present it, your choice to disclose this seems motivated mainly by the desire to retaliate against a parent who has not abided by their agreement. But retaliation does not balance the scales. It doubles down.

It also seems as if you have held it together for 12 years and in your opinion, this no-maligning agreement has expired. It should never expire.

Now that your stepchildren are older, they may have already discerned the truth. Certainly if they ask you directly about the timeline of their parents’ breakup, they should be told the truth. They should also be corrected if they present information that is factually incorrect: “Actually, it did not happen that way ...”

Any correction and/or disclosure should be delivered by their father — not you. But the truth can be delivered without maligning the other parent.

Dear Amy: I am writing to give you some feedback about your response to “Lacking in Love,” the man who wrote about his wife in her 60s who lost her sex drive.

Your advice was generally well founded. And your suggestion to “find ways to be physically close without having sex” is good. But based on my40 years of experience as a board-certified sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist, most couples in this situation (and thereare many) would have a hard time bridging this gap ontheir own.

They could greatly benefit from seeing a couples counselor who specializes in sex therapy, and who could coach them in a number of strategies to regain some physical intimacy (with or without intercourse). It can be a very delicate dance to re-establish closeness after a break, and working with a skilled therapist could make all the difference.

There are several good online resources to find a sex therapist, include a Find a Therapist directory provided by Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com). — Dr. Diana

Dear Dr. Diana: Thank you for lending your expertise to this challenging question.