How to support your sober friends when everyone is drinking
Holiday season is here, bringing cocktail parties and dinner gatherings into “real life” again. But for people like me, in recovery from alcohol use disorder (AUD), these invitations also come with concerns.
Although I have been sober for seven years, a room full of people with alcoholic drinks in their hands still brings up feelings of alienation as well as bad memories of past reckless behavior. My unease clearly makes others uneasy. And I end up feeling bad about that, too. None of this is a recipe for holiday cheer.
How can cocktail drinkers lift their spirits without raising the anxieties of nondrinkers? The secret is raising awareness about the sensitives of sober guests and the challenges of people with AUD.
Recognize that your sober friend isn’t cured
AUD is not different from other chronic medical conditions, says Jeffrey Hsu, assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Johns Hopkins
University School of Medicine.
“Graduating from a program does not mean that a person is cured,” he says.
“This is no different from other people with chronic medical conditions who have to make certain behavioral/lifestyle modifications to keep their disease under control.”
Elizabeth“B izzy” Chance, who has been in recovery for 16 years and is the host of the Busy Living Sober podcast, says feelings of remorse can be a deterrent to socializing with people who drink. “A large part of my journey has been getting comfortable with the realization that alcoholism is not a choice,” she says.
Don’t ask your sober friend if you can drink
I dread the moment when well-meaning guests ask whether it’s okay for them to drink in front of me. I know they have good intentions, but I’m never sure how to respond. I usually just say, “it’s fine,” in an attempt to move the conversation along.
The truth is, I find the question disingenuous in addition to being insensitive. The asker already plans to drink, and they want me to green light it. Suddenly I’m in the position of comforting them instead of vice versa.
Be a sober buddy
For party scenarios, Hsu recommended that hosts check on their sober guests to see how they are doing, particularly if they look or feel uncomfortable. To help ease worried feelings, he suggests that a family member or friend offer to be a “sober buddy” throughout the event. Like many people in sobriety,
I tend to seek out other nondrinkers in social settings, especially as imbibing guests start to get a little tipsy. Inviting a gaggle of teetotalers to a party levels the drinking field.
Offer plenty of nonalcoholic options
Mindy Gold-Banks, a clinical professional counselor who has specialized in addiction for 25 years with Advance Counseling Services in Chicago, says hosts should focus on creating an atmosphere of inclusion. Always have nonalcoholic options — making sure they are clearly marked as such — available across gathering spaces.
Keep wine bottles off the dining table
Make water pitchers the primary source of pouring and passing on the table. Consider putting wine bottles just a few strides away from the dining table, so they’re out of sight yet still accessible.
Avoid cooking with alcohol or serve substitutes
Alcohol flavors in food can be potential triggers for a person in recovery. And many people wrongly believe alcohol evaporates when you cook with it. A dish that’s been simmered for 15 minutes still contains about 40% of the original alcohol. Even after two hours, a dish will retain about 10% of the alcohol that was added.
At her annual Passover party, Gold-Banks sets out two versions of charoset — the fruit-and-nut mortar of the Seder plate, typically made with sweet wine. Guests at her table can enjoy the standard offering or a batch created with grape juice.
Serve fancy bottled water
For Chance, serving nice sparkling water is paramount at every party. “Everyone is conscious of hydration these days. And these bottles look nice,” she says. “If you are going to buy a $30 bottle of wine, why not get some fancy bubbly water, too?”
Having a small green bottle of Perrier (instead of a glass) in my firm grip helps me stay grounded at parties. And some of my favorite hosts are the ones who replace my bottle frequently. My daughter-in-law goes one step further by always having “Singing Mermaid” Polar seltzer on hand — and in my hands — when I’m at her house. Since I’m a former swimmer, her gesture feels extra thoughtful.
Don’t show me your fancy wine label
I have been to dinners where oenophile pals want to show me the label of their latest wine find. Many of us in recovery prefer not to be part of any conversation that calls attention to our “foe,” no matter how cool the packaging may be.
My older cousin and her husband are champions of the “unspoken happy hour” when I’m visiting their home in Silver Spring, Md. They pour themselves a glass of wine from an unidentified bottle in the kitchen while I am watching the news. He delivers the glasses to their side tables rather than the coffee table between us.
She then makes me something fun, like crushed mint and a dash of ground harissa in club soda with ice. These quiet acts make me feel safe, loved and respected while they happily enjoy their evening libation.
My stepsister has a milkshake or smoothie ready upon my arrival for any occasion. She hands me one soon after I walk in the door. If it’s the evening, she’ll have a glass of wine, and we’ll proceed to talk about everything except what’s in our glasses.
Let your friend decide about ‘mocktails’
I didn’t drink mocktails, or even use the term, for five years. I needed to steer away from the symbols of my disorder as well as the culprit of my addiction. These days, I am more experimental. The shift seemed to inspire some people in my life, like my cousin, to concoct delicious nonalcoholic drinks on my behalf.
The idea and terminology of “mocktails” is appealing to a lot of people, including Chance. A few years back, she hosted a live show on Facebook to demonstrate how — and why — to make fun alcohol-free party drinks.
“I feel like I’m fitting in, and no one knows,” Chance explained.
Give the newly sober a rain check
Sometimes it’s not okay to drink around someone in recovery from AUD. During the first 365 days of sobriety, Hsu says, social situations where alcohol is served can “trigger cravings and lead to a relapse.”
Gold-Banks tells her patients to steer clear of parties that first year. “Work solidly on your recovery,” she says, “and be surrounded by people who support you.”
Let your newly sober friends know that you are thinking of them by including a rain check with any dinner or party invite where alcohol will be served. For all of us in recovery, every gesture of support will bring tidings of comfort and joy this holiday season and beyond.